Nobody sees me in my family. I have feelings and I express those feelings but they are not heard. I feel like I am screaming as loud as I can and yet still, they ignore me or don’t understand what I am trying to tell them. What I am saying isn’t unreasonable or strange, in fact, it’s understandable and I’m speaking in a language that they don’t understand. But they are cold and unfeeling and they seem to not have any emotions at all. It makes me feel like my feelings are imaginary, they’re not real, like I’m not real. I am trying so hard to be heard, and yet it’s like that part of The Little Mermaid where Ariel’s voice gets stolen and she wants to talk but Ursula took it away. I feel like Ariel except I’m not a mermaid or a human who has been transformed into a mermaid. I am a woman who wants her family to hear her when she is crying out for help and support.
I can’t do this on my own and I shouldn’t have to. It’s not about your feelings, it’s about my daughter’s. She is suffering, she needs help and I’m asking you, begging you, to help me get her care. But you keep saying it’s not serious. You say she is being dramatic when she has scars all over her arms for trying to end her life. Why can’t you see that she’s hurting and she needs to go to the hospital? And she’s 16 years old. She won’t go there voluntarily. Even if I call the ambulance, she’s scream, cry kick the paramedics and I don’t want to be here when that happens by myself. It’s not fair that I have to be, when my family is alive. But they are dead emotionally, they don’t show me that they care or that my feelings are valid. It’s not even about me anymore. It’s about Kayla, and what she needs. It’s about how she’s going to get well and how we can save her life.
I know she can fight this, I will always be here for her even if they can’t/won’t help her. It’s their own emotional deficiencies that are preventing them from being present. They’re not trying to behave unkindly. They just don’t know how to support me. I’m sorry that you can’t be here for my dad. You make it all about you when it’s not. It’s about Kayla and what she needs. I love you, but I can’t understand how you are ignoring your granddaughter suffering. I want you to be here when the ambulance comes. I want you to help me, support me, show me that you can be here when Kayla needs you.
I remember when Kayla was five you taught her how to play chess. She was determined to learn the different pieces and how they moved. She is still that tenacious stubborn girl, but she’s not a little child anymore. She’s almost a grown woman and we have time to save her. It’s running out, though, and soon the hope will be lost. So be here for Kayla. Not for me, but for her.