License to Feel

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License to Feel

Every time a feeling pops up, I crush it down.

I don’t have a license to feel.

I’m not equipped with the capacity to process what these things are.

I’m not sure where they came from or what their purpose is but I don’t have tools to handle all these emotions.

The worst part is that people expect me to pretend like I do.

I don’t know.

I’m not someone who holds feelings in his hand.

When they fall into my fingertips I try to drop them on the ground. They are hot to the touch. They make me feel tangled inside.

My feelings are something I’ve questioned my entire life. I was made to feel like they didn’t matter and neither did I as a young boy because I was told I was worthless. I was made to feel that any feelings I had weren’t worth acknowledging let alone speaking aloud. So I didn’t say anything. I swallowed them with the rest of my food and I stayed quiet, watching my dad put his gun in the holster and go to work at the police station. That’s what men did, they worked to support their families. I wanted my dad to play with me, take me to the park, throw me a ball or something, anything…but he was never actually there. He was being a man.

I never got a license to feel. Everyone else seemed to have found their’s but mine was either lost in the mail or it wasn’t sent at all.

As a man, being sensitive and depressed isn’t an option.

I have no choice but to live without feelings.

Just like my dad did.

I wonder if I’ll ever find out what it’s like to feel again. Who knows?

By | 2017-12-27T01:46:43+00:00 December 27th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|0 Comments

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