I was told that I was asocial, that it was a part of my personality disorder. I don’t know what they meant by that. I sat in the doctor’s office looking at these degrees that were framed in black frames on the wall. He seemed to love himself a lot. I don’t know what was so awesome about him actually. He looked apathetic every time I went to see him. He asked how my medications were working. I said fine, even though I don’t feel like they’re doing anything. I don’t feel things, I don’t know how to. I don’t want to be around people. I’d rather just stay home, read a book about the history of slavery. I find people make me more nervous than I already am. I want to form connections with people but I don’t understand how. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or why I can’t fix it. It’s like I was born different. No, it isn’t “like” I was born different, I was born different and it’s meaningless to anyone but me.
People see me, and they don’t actually see me. They see the outline of me. They see what I do, how I run away. When I am eager to leave a restaurant because there are too many people there. Why is it always me? Why can’t I be like everyone else? It doesn’t seem possible. But that’s the thing, I care, but I don’t actually care. I’m so used to being by myself, with myself, and knowing that I won’t disappoint me. I know what to expect and I won’t let me down. That’s not possible. People try to approach me and think I’m a bitch. Someone even said I have bitchy resting face. I’m not trying to be unapproachable, I just don’t find the need to talk to anyone. People seem exhausting to me, they are complicated and expect things from me that I don’t want to deliver. I don’t have the energy to deliver.
Still, sometimes I wonder if there’s something I’m missing by not trying to have friends. There are so many people I see walking down the street laughing with each other. Am I missing something? Maybe there’s a reason people seek out other people. They all must be lonely. And that’s the thing, I’m not lonely. I am content to be by myself. Is that weird? Can you tell me?