Being Alone And Secretly Liking It

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Being Alone And Secretly Liking It

I was told that I was asocial, that it was a part of my personality disorder. I don’t know what they meant by that. I sat in the doctor’s office looking at these degrees that were framed in black frames on the wall. He seemed to love himself a lot. I don’t know what was so awesome about him actually. He looked apathetic every time I went to see him. He asked how my medications were working. I said fine, even though I don’t feel like they’re doing anything. I don’t feel things, I don’t know how to. I don’t want to be around people. I’d rather just stay home, read a book about the history of slavery. I find people make me more nervous than I already am. I want to form connections with people but I don’t understand how. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or why I can’t fix it. It’s like I was born different. No, it isn’t “like” I was born different, I was born different and it’s meaningless to anyone but me.

People see me, and they don’t actually see me. They see the outline of me. They see what I do, how I run away. When I am eager to leave a restaurant because there are too many people there. Why is it always me? Why can’t I be like everyone else? It doesn’t seem possible. But that’s the thing, I care, but I don’t actually care. I’m so used to being by myself, with myself, and knowing that I won’t disappoint me. I know what to expect and I won’t let me down. That’s not possible. People try to approach me and think I’m a bitch. Someone even said I have bitchy resting face. I’m not trying to be unapproachable, I just don’t find the need to talk to anyone. People seem exhausting to me, they are complicated and expect things from me that I don’t want to deliver. I don’t have the energy to deliver.

Still, sometimes I wonder if there’s something I’m missing by not trying to have friends. There are so many people I see walking down the street laughing with each other. Am I missing something? Maybe there’s a reason people seek out other people. They all must be lonely. And that’s the thing, I’m not lonely. I am content to be by myself. Is that weird? Can you tell me?

By | 2018-01-24T17:38:20+00:00 January 24th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. Jay January 25, 2018 at 7:05 pm - Reply

    Wow, it felt as though I was reading a part of my journal entry! I feel exactly the same way, I don’t feel the need to connect and spend every waking moment with other people either, I’m quite easily entertained doing things at home like reading or writing. I dont feel bored or lonely. when some of my co-workers ask me to hang out with them too, I dont feel the need to say yes, I’m exhausted just thinking about having to pretend I’m happy being out with them! It’s very hard to describe to other people how I feel and most don’t get it! So thank you for sharing your story and making me feel as though there’s another me out there who gets it!

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