My mental illness feels like a sucking black hole most of the time. On a good day I feel like I have something pressing down on my chest, making it hard for me to breath. That’s my panic attacks. The sucking black hole is my major depressive disorder and agoraphobia. I have suffered with mental health issues since I was thirteen but they became much worse after I was in a car accident in 2008. I think that hitting my head on the windshield as hard as I did caused some brain damage. The problem is that I have no way to prove that since I opted not to go to the hospital from the scene of the accident. I chose to go home and things spiraled from there. I cut all ties with everyone in my life and became a recluse because my panic and major depressive disorder made it super difficult for me to leave my apartment without feeling some amount of fear of being judged for how I look to people. This may come across as being irrational to some but mental health issues rarely are rational things. They cause people to feel as if though they are being swallowed by a endless black hole. I know this feeling all too well as I live with it daily. The thing is that I never know when I’m going to have a panic attack. To me, panic attacks feel like I have something heavy pressing down on my chest making it hard for me to be able to breathe. I can’t even begin to describe how my agoraphobia feels. It makes me feel like I’m all alone even though that’s not true. I have plenty of people who care about me but when I’m having an off day my brain says otherwise which leads to me regressing to the self that believes that I’m all alone and no one truly cares about me. I’m working with my therapist to overcome these issues but I realize that they will always be a part of me and the best I can do is to manage my disorders with medications. I’m on meds that have helped me a lot. I also see a psychiatrist. It’s important for me to have these people to talk to because that’s what they are there for. I still have my bad days but who doesn’t?


Tanya Contois is a blogger and formerly published author. She runs the website Bookish Fangirl where she blogs about books and pop culture.

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Twitter: @tanyacontois