*Trigger Warning: Suicide*
I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for the first time when I was 20 years old. It came after a long period of severe anorexia and malnutrition, progressive dysfunctionality and decline in my physical and mental health. What I didn’t know back then, I’m 30 now, was that it’s not because I smoked a little bit of weed in high school, or that I got it because of bad luck. It comes from my people, they gave it to me, probably with bad intentions, like hate, revenge, disappointment with me, they didn’t like the way I was back then. However, I believe that maybe that was not the best thing to do, cause schizophrenia ruined my life. I went from 205lbs at 16 to just 125lbs when I was 20, when the body and the brain are still developing. I mean today I could have been an inch taller than I am now. And stronger, and had I learned at the university probably my brain capacity would be greater. Like I said I was severely anorexic when my body and brain were still developing. What happened to me was similar to what had happened to people that were imprisoned in authoritarian regimes throughout history and even today, where due to malnutrition and poor treatment that they get in prisons in poor countries, they literally shrink. And it was due to me getting a severe mental illness, that potentiated my already existing eating disorder. The nature of schizophrenia tells me that it is something that comes from the people, my people.
I had a few suicide attempts, first in 2016, then in 2019-2021. The most serious was the last one a few months back, when I overdosed on olanzapine and ended in the intensive care unit. This whole experience was humiliating and traumatic. And it’s not because of me it’s because of that throughout all this time the voices have been negative, people have been laughing at my misery, that’s the most agreeable reason that I decided to take my life, apart from loneliness, boredom and lack of perspective.
I’m 30 years old now, and I’m having some sort of a mid life crisis. I’ve send my schoolmates, even the ones that I never had any kind of relationship with, recipes for in my opinion delicious dishes, I’ve asked a few for advice, and not once did I get a response. I went to apologize to the schoolmate that I was bullying in primary school, I went searching for a buddy at his house… they just ignore me no matter what I do. So what can I do?
I’m on welfare and don’t need to look for work. I’m just allowed to get it due to the rehabilitation institute grading me as a disabled person. They advise me to go to the socially included programme, like for example working in a farm, where we’re all with some kind of disability, but I’m like nah I’d rather stay at home and read books, read Wikipedia, read whatever, go exercise or whatever. I mean you just go there and pretend that you’re doing something constructive and valuable to the community, when in reality you are just wasting your own time, I mean there’s like 20 of us doing the work that 2 healthy men could do by themselves. I mean you won’t get a pension from this kind of work. It’s just a place to put an individual and make him busy with something, so he/she won’t think too hard about life, reality… English isn’t my first language so you can tell that I’m smart and I’m writing this almost with ten fingers, super fast. But they think that I’m so disabled that I should work in a socially included farm.
I take medications for generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, panic disorder, depression, stress, PTSD and positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia. I’m taking them, day after day. I get side effects from them & I’m still symptomatic. I respect people, even though they don’t respect me at all when they say that I should just kill myself, and give me nicknames like: incapable, stupid calf and so on. But then I ask myself: why should I respect them, or even like them? They haven’t been through anything like what I’ve been through and they are the reason I went through what I went through. They did this to me! At the end of the day they are indebted to me, I don’t owe them shit. How are they gonna pay me back for all that I’ve been robbed of? No social life for over 10 years, never finished college, I’m all alone 24/7 365 over ten years. I made my bones, I made myself, I climbed out of abyss by myself, I had to discover all the musicians all the music all the movies by myself, I read Wikipedia by myself, I learned to cook on my own, no one gave me a single hint like: yo peep this, peep that, check out this recipe, nothing. I’m self made and I’m proud of myself, how far I came with literally no help, except of medications. When the people that’re supposed to help their brother pushed me in the mud and then laughed when I was covered in dirt. They pushed me over the cliff and then laughed when my bones were broke and I limped. That’s my people. And during that time they had an amazing time, they had beautiful college life with college parties, or home parties, girls (or guys), sex, trips to foreign cities, the beach, healthy food and so on and so forth. What the hell is there to respect about them. Being blessed? Or they gonna say I had to work hard in college, I had to read a lot, I had to work hard for my degree and for what I got… Really? Get the fuck up out of here punk bitch! And think hard about your brother here, what cards has he been dealt, what he had to overcome and is still not in the best condition and far far away from where he would have or could have been, hadn’t you not all agreed to basically kill him and leave him to die. I don’t have no, like no photos worth anything for over 10 last years of my life. I mean take a photo of what, my misery? How are they gonna repay me for what I’ve lost in the past 10 years and make the next 10 also beautiful, I mean the next 10 double of what theirs is gonna be? I know there’s lots of people with various illnesses, many way harder than my schizophrenia, but that’s not in their hands. But schizophrenia is something that my people did to me for whatever reasons, it’s like I said not bad luck, but a curse from my people.
I’m very talented in basketball, I worked on my game on my own the past 2 years and I’m now the best basketball player I’ve ever been and I mean the last time I played, which was in high school, I was already very good. But then I almost died from severe anorexia and didn’t play for over ten years except that one summer in 2012. I re-learned how to play on my own and not only that. I didn’t follow the NBA and found out highlight channels on my own just a little over two years ago, all because no one advised it to me, and that’s the story of my life. I found out musicians, all the music by myself, like totally by myself, no one gave me a hint that Z-Ro is good, or even R. Kelly. And I’m from Slovenia so it’s not that obvious that you should know these two (my favorite) artists. I’m different than probably everybody around me, cause I’ve been isolated from my community and following Americans, like watching interviews or The Breakfast Club or VladTV, watching all kinds of videos on the internet and listening to almost anything, but my country’s music. Like I don’t even have an idea of what rap scene looks like in Slovenia. And most people here listen to Croatian or Serbian language music, which is to me like Spanish. You may not find that odd, but my people probably do. I’m different, cause I’ve been isolated from my people, actually my people isolated me, to be honest and correct, and so what I’ve been left with is the internet. And due to me being in the situation that I’ve been in, I can feel what Black Americans are going through or minorities all over the world, from Palestinians to Muslims or black people in Europe or Americas. I am who I am and I’m not gonna change. I love myself the way I am. I have flaws, but who doesn’t? One (used to be) buddy once told me “wish you were normal”. But I’m thinking, if you don’t see me as normal, what’s normal for you? If you don’t see me as being in the range of normal, how do you see south Asians, or Muslims, or Chinese, or LGBT community? I mean, if you can’t accept who I am how are then you gonna look at all these billions of people that are a lot more different than us? And no matter, however they tried to not interact with me, isolate me, leave me on my own etc. My environment, my community, my fellow countrymen did have an impact on me. I became even more different, even more unique and after all those years I’m not gonna change. I’m never going to listen to Slovene music. Never. I just don’t feel it. Whatever it may be. Don’t wanna hear it. In my car I listen to Future or Travis Scott. You all can go to your parties and sing Slovene shit, but I’m not. Like I said I am who I am and I love myself. Cause no one else will. And they can’t, won’t and shouldn’t try to change anything about me. Cause they pushed me away in loneliness and isolation (ghetto). My entire activity on the internet, from YouTube to Wikipedia to google searches indicate that this is an African-American individual living in Greenville, South Carolina. Probably. When I turn on the radio, I have to immediately turn it off. Cause it hurts my ears. I once saw one Slovene rap music video and I got sick. Cause it’s bullshit. Miss me with that bullshit… real brothers do real thangs… miss me with that bullshit… and put some respect on my name!
Maybe you wonder what gives me this attitude? I was in a psychiatric hospital twice back in 2012 & that was a different one than the one where I’ve been mostly throughout this time, in a different city. And at that hospital some patients were advertising, promoting, tryin’ to get you into smoking cannabis without THC. But actually it was synthetic cannabis or spice, as I discovered later on. And I’ve also fallen into this trap. I mean the state I was in back then, & then on top of that smoking this shit… And I know the nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, all involved knew about this. They knew. And then they tried psychotherapy, even group psychotherapy on me. In that messed up state! I mean that’s torturous. One dude that was with me in that hospital at that time, just a few days after I left, hanged himself & died. And I know of another dude that killed himself while being in the hospital, and there’s probably way way more cases like this around the world. How can someone kill himself while being in the hospital, or shortly after leaving hospital? I’m telling the truth. They were totally watching us smoke that spice! And they also smuggled in real weed and amphetamines! In the closed department of psychiatric hospital, where patients are in the worst state. Apart from actors. Cause there’s also actors among the patients. And it all went down here at home. I just don’t believe that all this was out of care, love, compassion or whatever they call this treatment. Cause the pain I was in when I was psychotic, how they roasted me alive… fuck my people. Imma be a one deep loner for the rest of my life!