*Trigger warning – sexual abuse
Stay in my body. I don’t want to. I wish I could float above it like I used to when it started to happen.
I want to check out. I want to be free. I don’t want to remember what happened to me. I don’t want to recall hands on me. I don’t want to be in touch with any of it because it makes it real. It’s part of my past. They say that if I stay inside of my body then I can heal. I don’t want to do that. They say that this treatment will help me. I don’t believe them. Why should I? I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to see, and I don’t want to hear his voice in my ear telling me that everything is OK. It’s not OK and I know that he is a liar and an abuser.
Nobody believes me. I wanted to be believed so badly. They never believed me. It was like I was talking to a brick wall or a blank canvas. There were no colors or shapes. Just stark white and disconnected. They looked at me as if I wasn’t human. I am human, I am a real person, and I want to be heard.
Finally, someone listened. They heard my cries.
I am here. I am not invisible. I have feelings and I was violated but I survived. I am damaged, I am broken and I am certainly not OK; that’s OK. I am powerful because I own what happened to me. It did hurt to stay inside my body, but I was able to do it.
I will never forgive you for not believing me. You could have stopped this 20 years ago if you had just listened.
We are supposed to believe survivors, not second guess them. The good news is I am healing now. I found the strength I thought I’d lost and now, I work with survivors just like me.
I show them a mirror that I was never shown. I tell them that they are so brave and they can get through this. I give them the hope that I was never given. I know that one day, they will find their voice and advocate for themselves. Eventually, I found my voice and I am no longer sorry. I do not regret using my words to fight back.
I will stand up for the people who are like me who have been wronged and I will always win and you cannot stop me.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) can help you if you are a survivor of sexual abuse or assault.