My feelings are real no matter what you say. My emotions have power no matter if you acknowledge them or not. I’ve realized that you aren’t healthy for me. I step into the fire when I pay attention to the words that you spew at me. I don’t know how to leave what we have. Even though what we have isn’t healthy for either of us, I don’t know how to let it go. I’m continuing to allow you to hurt me over and over again. The more I tell you that I love, the more you push me away, neglect me, ignore me. And when I push harder, ask more questions, try to persuade you to care about me, about us, you run farther and farther away from me. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that you can’t give me what I want. But it’s more than that. You can’t give me what I want, and you’re broken, wounded, damaged and scarred.
But there’s a difference between someone who has injuries that are being cared for and someone who ignores their gaping wounds no matter how bloody or painful they are. I’m tired of you hurting me. You know the words to use to cut me. You try to convince me that I’m less than you. You know my insecurities and you use them against me as weaknesses. You know that I care about people liking me and you deconstruct that making me feel low. You show me that I have no value to you and it hurts so much more than I can communicate. I know that you are emotionally shut down. I know that you were abused, but you don’t need to take your past out on me. I didn’t do anything to deserve that abuse.
Abuse: it took me a long time to confront that fact that that’s what this is. It is abusive. We are in an abusive relationship and I want to get out of it but I’m hopeless. I don’t know how to do it. You’ve held me emotionally hostage for so long that I can’t remember what it’s like to be free of those bonds. They’re not healthy bonds, they are chains and they confine me. I want to find the strength to destroy them so I can be healthy and happy again. But every time I get to that point, I feel exhausted from trying to break free. I’m tired, I’m hurt and I am hesitant to use my strength again in this way.
I’ll keep fighting until I can find a way out of this, whatever “this” is.
Verbal and emotional abuse is a serious problem and should not be glossed over. If you are a victim of abuse there are agencies that can help. One that we always recommend is Safe Horizon: www.safehorizon.org. There is also a national domestic violence hotline here.