Sleep evades me.
I close my eyes
and I cannot stop my thoughts. They keep racing and won’t leave me alone.
They won’t leave me alone, but I am alone, oh the irony.
It isn’t fair.
I want to be peaceful.
But my mind
won’t allow that piece.
For once I am not thinking about him.
But I can’t decode my thoughts.
I can’t figure out what I think, what I feel, and who I am supposed to be. Everything seems wrong. It all seems like I am trying so hard to do what I need to do and I just can’t. I can’t make it the way I want it to be.
Laying here alone with my thoughts when everyone else is peacefully asleep makes me anxious. It’s the early morning hours and I can’t seem to break out of this pattern.
I’m getting there though. As this tear rolls down my cheek, I can’t tell if I am crying or my eyes are dry.
I embrace the not knowing. And what I do know- even though I am alone I won’t be for long.
Loneliness can feel painful. You don’t have to suffer by yourself. Reach out to a mental health professional and talk about what you’re going through. This article from Vice gives some insight into loneliness and this article from BetterHelp tells us the hidden mental health issues underneath that lonely feeling. Don’t endure loneliness by yourself. Reach out for help!