I thought she hated me. When I went to school that day, she wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I couldn’t explain why I canceled. It was just too much. I couldn’t explain why I didn’t go to the convention. I just didn’t want to see people. This unbearable sadness hit me when I tried to walk out the door. I was frozen, trying to leave, trying to be a normal human being for once in my life. I just wanted to be “normal.” A normal teenager. It isn’t fair that I’m not…normal. My heart races uncontrollably. I can’t control it and I have no idea how I would even if I tried. So I called her and said, “I can’t make it. I’m sorry, I don’t feel well.”
“Why? We had tickets. If I knew you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have bought the tickets or I would have asked someone else.” She sounds so angry. It made me feel worse.
“I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly.
She said she had to go. I hung up feeling even worse than I did in the first place. I wanted to go to the convention. I was dressed, ready to go, I had my notebook ready. It was a writer’s conference and we’d been planning it for months. But I can’t control my panic attacks. They just come on. I couldn’t even explain this one. I just hung up the phone, laid down on my bed and cried. I didn’t even know why I was said. I just let it out, cried and cried. Eventually, I fell asleep.
Anxiety ruins so much of my life. I wanted to go out, have a good time with my best friend and now she hates me. I couldn’t handle it.
The next day, when I saw her at school, when she wouldn’t acknowledge me I couldn’t deal with it. I ran up to her and tapped her on the back.
“Hey! How was it?” I asked.
“I don’t want to talk about that.” She barked back at me.
“Okay. Sorry.” I said.
“Listen, I need to tell you something,” she began.
“Okay,” I said tentatively. I was afraid. It’s like when someone says “I have to talk to you about something, but I’ll tell you later.” When that happens I make them tell me right away.
She sighed “Look, I’m worried about you.”
“Why?” I asked defensively. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You’re depressed.” She said point blank. “You need help.”
I blushed bright red. It was like she saw through me. We talked and she told me that she knew the reason I didn’t go to the convention. It was the same reason I canceled on her birthday party, the same reason that I didn’t meet up with our friends for coffee earlier that week. I was consumed with this intense sadness. She said she saw it in my eyes. I didn’t know what to say or do. But I was glad she finally saw me. She said she would help find me a person to talk to.
When you’re feeling sadness, it’s hard to distinguish whether it’s just sadness or depression. Here’s an article from BetterHelp that talks about unexplained sadness. This is a piece from Forbes about possible reasons that you might be sad and not realize it. If you’re feeling sad, do not ignore it if it persists for over two weeks. You could benefit from speaking to a mental health professional, whether that’s a counselor or a therapist.