For years I thought I was not worthy of love. He told me all the things I was doing wrong and how I had failed my family. I believed him because he seemed like he knew everything and I wanted him to love me. It was difficult to accept that he did love me and this was the way he showed it. I didn’t know how angry I was, angry at him, angry at the way I was being treated, angry at life. I didn’t realize what that abuse had done to me. The tricky thing is when someone abuses you verbally there are no scars.
I was so angry. But I could not be angry because I wasn’t allowed to be. The person that wasn’t allowing me to be angry was myself. I could be sad, I could be devastated, I could be breaking inside but I did not allow myself to get mad; truly mad. Feeling anger was not part of my experience because it wasn’t something that I felt like I was entitled to. It was an emotion that was off-limits.
He beat me down, made me feel like I was worthless, told me that I was a burden and that he was exhausted by me. I didn’t feel like I was anything because I was unwanted. All I could feel was sadness but underneath that pain was actually rage. After many years I realized that I could feel those feelings of anger and not feel guilty about them. The anger finally came out and when it did, I didn’t understand it; I didn’t know what to do with it because there were so much of it. It was like a pot bubbling so high threatening to take over the stove.
I didn’t want to feel angry because I didn’t know if it would ever go away that concept: it terrified me. But then I allowed myself to feel, not think, just feel. I listened to those feelings. I talked to my therapist and I told her that he had been hurting me for years and I was so angry. I was furious that he had made me feel like I did not matter and now I know that that was a lie. A lie that I chose to believe because it was all I knew.
I have a right to be as angry as I want to be. I have a right to be as rageful as I need to be. Until I figure out what I need to do I will process these feelings and I will not let anybody tell me that I don’t have that right. My feelings are mine and mine alone. It doesn’t matter if I am not lovable when I mad. That’s what he told me and I don’t believe him anymore.
I’m letting go of the control that I thought that I had over my anger and allowing it to be free as it needs to be, so I can be fully me.
Anger can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Learn about techniques to manage your anger in this article by BetterHelp about anger management. Read about different anger disorders in this particular article on Psychology Today. There are many ways to handle your anger and you are not alone. Anger isn’t forever, it is a temporary feeling that comes up when we need to process pain. Remember that you can reach out for help when you need to.
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