Are you worth fighting for? There was a time when we were close. I looked to you as a mentor, a father figure. Now, the only thing you do is criticize me. I wish you could see the good in me. I wish you could support me. I know that you are a narcissist. But, I still miss you. I miss the you that I once knew. I miss the you that gave me advice about how to live my life. Because, I am lost without you. I am living this life without guidance and I feel that hole.
But I think you are gone.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a way to bring you back. Can I revive you from the dead. You are alive but it’s like watching a zombie walking in front of me. I wish i knew what the trauma you experienced was. I wish there was a way to ask you how to help, but I speak and you hold your ears. I speak and you look at me like I’m not a human being.
I think you assume I am histrionic. I know you must think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Even if that were true, what does it matter? Don’t you still love me? How can you abandon someone that was once so close to you? I can’t understand this. It feels wrong to me.
I once asked you for help and you told me that you could no longer guide me. It was time for me to do it by myself. Well, I tried to “do life by myself” and I’m not doing so well. I need you and I’ve asked for you to come back so many times. But it’s like I’m holding my hand out for you to high five me and I’m left hanging. Can we forget the past. I miss and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Can we pick up the broken pieces of what was a relationship and put them back together with relationship crazy glue? Is this even possible.
There is no way to know if you miss me too. I do know that I can’t live life pretending that you were not once the most important person to me in the entire world. It’s a shame because you think that I pushed you away, when it’s totally the other way around.
I want to not be angry anymore.
I want to forgive you.
But every time I try…
You tell me that I am a bad person in some passive way.
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t hate you and I can’t love you and I don’t know what to do.
Please tell me what to do. You are so good at that. You used to know. You still know what to do. You just won’t tell me.