I am happy that my father is dead. I am happy that my family is dead. They’re dead and they can’t hurt me anymore. I don’t miss them, even now during the holiday season, I really don’t miss them. Call me a monster, tell me that I am a horrible person for saying such things, I don’t care, you’re not me. You weren’t born to a narcissistic state cop who hated your being born because you weren’t planned, and if you were planned you were supposed to be a girl. So hold your judgment on me, I couldn’t even be born right according to that asshole so you do need to know more before you condemn me for breaking any commandments in your world.
I remember my punishments as a kid the most, the total humiliation being made to strip naked, bend over facing the bed and wait for the burning slap of leather on skin, over and over and over, feeling tears squirting out my eyes, begging, pleading, promising to be good. I remember the welts, remember how it hurt to sit, the pitiful look on my mother’s face as she came into my bedroom afterward, had to wait for the monster to sulk off first, of course; she couldn’t stop any of it, don’t really remember her trying, to be honest. At some point in time, the belting stopped, the ceremony of stripping me stopped, instead he would just beat me, catch me off guard and swing without warning, before I knew it I was on the ground covering up. God, how I paid for his sins. What’s really ironic is that he actually saved other peoples lives as a cop, stopped others from doing another harm, actually saved a little girls life, seriously, how fucked up is that? Save a life, destroy a life?And for reasons only known to him. I wasn’t alone in this, my mother? Watched how she took being slapped around at 3 am when I was so young, bet there were more. Funny, never remember my brother getting hit. He was a flying monkey anyhow and just as smart as one I might add, he made a good pet.
The beatings became mind fuckings as I grew up, instead of physical stripping me, he now mentally and emotionally stripped me of my self-worth, beliefs and love for others as an adolescent and young adult, all for his control over me. That’s what narcissists do to their chosen one you know? Narcissists steal your self-worth, make you doubt yourself, make you afraid of everything so you won’t leave. Anytime you have even the smallest of accomplishments, that narcissist in your life will turn it into a weapon; they flip it back on you as if that’s all you could achieve and even so doesn’t rate much in the better world around you because you will never be that smart and no one respects such a sniveling shit like you anyhow so it doesn’t matter whether you breathe or not because you just don’t matter to anyone anywhere for anything. They effectively kill your spirit, slowly, painfully.
What about that narcissist? What about my father? Raised during the depression with 12 other siblings and he ruled over them, the whole dysfunctional lot. Name it, we got, any type of abuse, self-abuse, drug abuse, physical abuse, abuse, abuse, abuse, not a functional soul to be found and he ran them. The rest of his story is that of a narcissist, he used others to get what he wanted and didn’t care if they got hurt, he actually like to hurt others; I have seen that smile, too often. And to quote Forrest Gump “That’s all I have to say about that.”
Once I left home I had no social skills, no boundaries, I didn’t know love from infatuation. I would go overboard trying to please everyone I met, I fell prey to the same abuses, I self-medicate; rare am I sober, high most often. Sometimes I drink to black out and become combative into full rages, destroying things around me, I have cut myself, spent time in the hospital for it, been to therapy a couple times. After any one of the previously mentioned abuses happen, next thing that comes can be a healthy round of any one or combination of the following; depression, remorse, self-loathing, apathy, insomnia, disassociation, suicidal idealization, panic attacks, you know, its a damn wonder I get out of bed. All that nonsense aside, the one thing I fear the most is the feeling of having no future. At times I try to sense where I am further out and nothing returns, its the most desolate of all feelings to have no sense of end or destination, let alone a sense of satisfaction with what you have done in life. Don’t get me wrong, I know where I want to be, isolated out in the country homesteading, seriously, where else would I go? I have seen how my mental illness effects others, hell, I can barely put up with myself at times.
My story does end on a good note, Thank God! You say? Yes, it does, be of cheer! I have been to therapy and one psychiatrist Deborah S in Ann Arbor Michigan help set in motion my ability of self-discovery, once my past was resolved as an adult and not as a child stuck in time anymore. Once I understood I was victimized and severely abused over time from multiple sources and that what I suffer from now is complex-PTSD, I have been able to learn the things I should have learned as a child, things like unconditional love and self-worth, its hard work but worth doing right the second time around.
BIO: Because of the PTSD I haven’t worked a full-time job in over 5 years, my career finally became too much for me, the last interview I had a total meltdown in front of the group interviewing me and they wanted me to get the job!! A dream job helping other nonprofits with their IT needs! The panic attack didn’t stop at the interview, it was a nightmare for the rest of the day, I haven’t tried since. I found my way to other incomes and somethings have to promise. I garden or what I like to call micro-farming, grow lots of vegetables and have a share program that brings in money. I also develop websites for others using my 25 year IT career as a computer information systems specialist, lots of words for a hacker. And I have other ventures that bring in a few dollars here and there. I’m still finding my way so instead of me droning on about myself; not sure you really want to follow this act, I rather share what has helped me and what I’m looking at as possible help for myself. Here are some links:
How to quit bad habits, I like the different approach to getting everyone in my head to agree on things;
Here’s one about fear setting, yes, I thought the same thing too, hmmm maybe…
Finally, a philosophy that I have heard many times but for the first time seen it as a means to find my real needs
Wow ! That’s an indescribable childhood. However, I’m happy to hear you’ve made peace within, the past, and with those who caused you so much pain. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s inspirational.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, this is a humbling experience to speak openly about one’s own mental illness but I now believe its necessary to do in order to encourage others to afraid to ask for help; they can give their own story a happy ending by just asking for some help. Thank you Heidi, its good to meet you.