I have trouble saying what I mean. I am a blunt person, but saying what I mean is hard when I feel like the person on the other end is going to judge me. I’m beginning to learn that even if they DO judge me, it is not a reflection of me or my feelings. I can express myself knowing that the person listening may not agree with me. Part of my difficulty expressing myself is related to social anxiety. Social anxiety is a cock blocker. It stops me from expressing myself the way I want to. It isn’t fair and I want it to go away. When I am pushed to the point where I must speak the truth (because I am a terrible liar) I do say how I feel. It takes a lot of time and effort (emotionally) to get there. I want to be able to freely speak the way I notice other people do it. There are people who say things and have zero fucks to give. I want to be those people. I want to learn how they do that magical thing that I have difficulty doing. I watch them talk to others with seemingly remarkable confidence. I have a friend who says “be confident even if you’re not.” What she means that if you appear confident the other person will respect you and your opinion more. I believe she’s onto something. Act as if, and your attitude and confidence level will change. Maybe that’s what I need to do. If I try hard to be rooted in my words, maybe others will respect me like I want to be respected.
Social anxiety can kiss my ass. It tries to control the way I communicate (or don’t communicate) and I am not going to let it win. I want to be candid and truthful without struggling so hard. I don’t know how to do it yet, but I know that I can. Like anything in life, if you have difficulty doing something you can practice the skills to get to the point where you CAN do it. Social anxiety and anxiety, in general, is harder to cope with than people make it out to be. People often tell me “just go to that party” or “just leave the house without thinking about it so much,” or “just do it.” When your brain is in a continual feedback loop it’s hard to do those things. It’s not like sweeping the floor or making a paper airplane. I am great at making paper airplanes because I didn’t give up. I worked on that skill over and over again until I learned it. And that’s the way I am. So if I want to do something, I will try and try until I can do it. That’s how I will be with speaking my truth. It may come naturally to others, but it’s okay if it’s a little harder for me. I accept that and I can do it if I practice.
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