I have trouble saying what I mean. I am a blunt person, but saying what I mean is hard when I feel like the person on the other end is going to judge me. I'm beginning to learn that even if they DO judge me, it is not a reflection of me or my feelings. [...]
“The greatest expression of rebellion is joy.” -Joss Whedon Getting out of bed this morning is a struggle. Everything feels tender and sore, both physically and emotionally, and part of me tries again to convince the other part of me that it would be so much better to stay under the covers all day. I’ve [...]
When I am around other people I smile and pretend to be happy. I don't enjoy doing that, but I need to sometimes. It's a relief from depression. Sometimes I am physically and emotionally spent and the way I cope with that is to smile. Is that weird? It's kind of like in acting when [...]
This time one year ago I went through the deepest valley and darkest moments in my entire life. In January 2016 Mike and I made the long distance move from Texas to Arizona… Who knew moving 1000 miles would bring such tremendous stress. On the outside, it appeared my marriage was thriving after spending 4 [...]
“Just breathe. You’re okay.” No, I’m not okay. No, everything is not fine. And Fuck you, it is not "just in my head". The pain in my chest, that is real. The dizziness and nausea, those are real. The vomit in the toilet, that’s real. The numbness of my lips and the sweat on my [...]
We've heard the express "depression lies." Depression makes you cry with its awful lies sometimes. It can leave you feeling powerless, tired, and even scared. Depression tags along; it's a third wheel. I've thought about ways to fight it rather than let it sit in my body and annoy the shit out of me. Finally, [...]
"You’ve got to relax." Oh, ok. Well then. Shut it down! Nothing to be anxious about here, folks! It’s all in my head! Look, I know it’s in my head. I have a disorder. That means out of order. I'm out of order. Like an angry witness in a courtroom or a vending machine that [...]
My mind doesn't want to stop moving. It hurts me and it tells me to give up. I'm tired and I just want to lay down. I can't stop these thoughts, these feelings are too much for my brain to handle. I'm overwhelmed with anger. I can't control anything right now or ever. Life is [...]
Ever had one of those dreams, where you try to cry out for help but no-one could hear you? That's how I felt, no one could hear me calling out for help. My eyes filled with tears as I thought of my mother. I wondered if I'd ever see her again. I didn't remember what [...]
I moved overseas when I was manic. I have Bipolar Disorder. At the end of January 2016 I finished a course of 15 ECT treatments for a severe episode of depression. A couple of weeks after I finished the ECT I started to become very angry and irritable. The mania was setting in. You see, [...]
