The moment I was sat in my room on the bed and the only thing I could see was the stack of tablets in front of me. I overdosed on antidepressants and other household drugs such as paracetamol. Luckily for me the combination was not toxic enough to kill me before I was found by my mum and little brother. Also I was lucky that I began to vomit but hose tablets tasted nasty on the way back up. When I came round after hours of heaving with an empty stomach, I was sent home after the on call crisis team just told my parents that I wouldn’t do it again. My parents had to fight for help because they was so frightened for my safety as all I spoke about was how disappointed I was that the overdose didn’t work and that I didn’t want to live anymore. In the meantime I thought that the dog had started talking to me. Little did I know that it was the voices in my head that were talking and they were there to stay. When help came I was diagnosed with bipolar depression because it was thought that I dipped in and out of this depression and it wasn’t consistent. How wrong they were. I managed to stay stable for 12 month and married my wonderful husband. Sadly in 2015 I become ill again, he is now both my husband and my carer. A new voice came this time it was a good one-my Grandma, she is the light that tries to balance the other demonic voice I have. But seen as my grandma has passed it was traumatic. I refused my medication, nipped, bit, scratched and cut repeatedly because the voice told me to hurt myself. It then became more intense to the point where the voice began telling me to kill myself. I believed every word it spat at me. The voice also began to project through my own body and mouth. I since learned that my voice became deeper and I spoke between gritted teeth. I feel so guilty for letting my family witness that and for calling my mum a horrible name because she asked me to take my meds. Aimee and IT are two different people. When I sank deeper into my illness I began a plan to murder my abusive ex-partner. The voice told me when, how and why I needed to do it. The reasoning was because he is still living and breathing and carrying on. But I am stuck here in this hole and I don’t know what is wrong with me. Aimee was frightened about potentially hurting another human being; the voice was loud, intense and goading. Aimee had no choice she would have to listen, which led to my husband physically straining me against his own and my own will. Thankfully my ever supportive husband demanded that I was seen by the crisis team. They admitted me to hospital to be observed and to protect my ex-partner from harm. I didn’t understand this bit what so ever as you can imagine and caused more harm to think about than good. I was re-diagnosed with BPD Borderline personality disorder. I live in a limbo between depression and psychosis. It can go either way or sometimes both- day to day. I suffer greatly with the side effects of the tablets. The anti-depressants cause insomnia and sickness and my anti-psychotic causes painful and violent muscle spasms, cramps and stiffness, fatigue and a severe dry mouth. I have to take a separate drug to help the severity of the side effects to allow me to function better on a day to day basis. I have recently resigned from my job and career as a full time nursery nurse. I studied hard at GCSE and A level to pursue my career in childcare, but the feelings and family scenarios of some of the children began to have a personal effect on me and I wanted to protect them instead of worrying about my own problems. It was done with a heavy heart but I need to spend time on me to become stable again. It’s a long road ahead and my illness still greatly affects my everyday life. I have no appetite and faint with the lack of food and nutrients and eating with a dry mouth is a hardship at times. I have panic attacks when I have to leave my home, when I’m worrying about something in the future and when I experience confrontation. Some days I cannot get out of bed until I have regained mobility in my muscles, It also affects me when doing physical activities such as cleaning and walking long distances. I find it hard to find the motivation to wash and dress; I would live in my pyjamas if I could. I have bouts of sever insomnia; the longest period was three months with a combined total of about 12 hours sleep. My husband has to sit up with me, even when he has work in the morning because he knows the insomnia could become dangerous if I become angry with myself. I cannot make decisions and my husband has to make sure all financial matters are kept up to. I become defensive and protective of myself and my family too easily and take on their problems. I have one best friend that sticks by me and takes the time to understand and help. Maintaining relationships are difficult after realising I had surrounded myself with so called friends that relished in watching my demised and often encouraged it. I have out myself into some very dangerous positions that have led to both physical and sexual abuse, even from being a little girl. Therapy includes going right back to the problem when I was little. I withdraw after such sessions and constantly cry, paddy, tantrum and stamp my feet- Like I am still that little girl. All I want is stability.
I am a 23 year old, married, female. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder along with, PTSD, OCD and acute anxiety. I have experienced traumas on lots of occasions in my short time on this earth. I have been ill for a very long time without even realising, I didn’t know what was wrong. I am now writing my own blog www.survivingsecondbysecond.
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