If I Could

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If I Could

If I could I would tell him exactly how I feel, but I don’t.

If I could I would feel comfortable with the number 13, but I’m not. If I see it I need to make it 14.

If I could I would step on a crack. But I don’t because I’m afraid of what will happen.

If I could I would throw those papers away. But I don’t because I’m afraid of what they mean.

If I could I would stop hiding and I would tell that person why I am mad and how they hurt me. But I don’t because I’m scared of their reaction.

If I could I would stop repeating the same fear over and over again and expect a different response from him. But I keep hoping things will change even though they don’t.

If I could I would never be depressed ever again. Unfortunately, I don’t have control over what my brain does.

If I could I wouldn’t have scary thoughts. But unfortunately, they exist in my brain.

If I could I would stop obsessing about dying. But sometimes it’s all I can think about.

If I could I would heal myself. But that doesn’t happen instantly.

If I could I would turn my brain off using a “brain off switch.”  But I haven’t found this at the hardware store.

If I could I would know what medication would help me the most. But doctors don’t even know that.

If I could I would do it anyway. But sometimes I feel like I can’t.

Maybe I can and I just don’t know. Maybe the things that my brain tells me I’m not capable of are bullshit.  Maybe that weight over my mind is an illusion.

Maybe it’s me that is holding me back. I can’t see it because the chains are invisible.  But they feel so real and if I could I would break free and it wouldn’t hurt at all. My mind wouldn’t hurt, my body wouldn’t hurt, and my spirit would feel better.

If I only could.

Iget so frustrated when I want to do that thing that I can’t do.  I am angry with myself because it is me that is losing control.

My mind always wants me to think that there is something I can’t do. My mind goes to the negative when there are so many positive things that I can do.

If I could.
Can I? I can and…
I will.

-Sarah Fader, CEO



By | 2017-07-31T15:58:21+00:00 July 31st, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|0 Comments

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