It all started when I was about 16 or 17. I was doing drugs which led to a chemical imbalance. I woke up one day feeling off, paranoid. I went to my friends house and everything was off. I didn’t trust them but I stayed. We went to the movies and the paranoia was so strong I used the bathroom as an excuse and left. That’s my start. Afterwards, I would be scared to go upstairs to my home with my mom. When me and my mom, who I live with, got an apartment I would panic being by myself a lot, some may call it separation anxiety. Let’s get into some of my experiences my mom says I should express myself more and share my stories because they’re others like me and I’m not alone.
1st major hallucinating panic attack I was staying at a hotel with my cousin. Around the time to go to sleep I closed my eyes and heard “Thunk” coming from my cousin. I believed he shed his body and was on a mission. I heard the man sleeping behind me open a basement space beside my bed. I was scared. I heard hard breathing coming from behind me. “Pop” “Pop” “Pop” I heard coming from the basement. I believed my pops and his family were getting shot. I eventually got up freaking out and was roaming the room like a mad man. The man behind me stole my bed. I wasn’t in the mood to argue so I sat in a chair in the corner. As I’m sitting I’m hearing terrible things. In the room to the right was my dad (however) saying “So you right” my sister said ” So F me huh” my brother said “Uhh” as in shooting her. I believed the lightning king was coming to the hotel as lightning flashed by the windows. Outside was my mom being put in a machine that chopped things up. I was afraid to leave as I heard my brother running back and forth in the hallway, then to the next room asking “So you with me?” Two men laid in front of the door so I was scared to leave. Morning came and I built up enough courage to go outside to smoke. Turns out there was no two men and I should’ve learned I can’t believe everything I see or hear. I should’ve learned that when I spoke to my pops again.
2nd experience: I’m at my pops house not too long after the 1st experience and I’m staying in the mancave. I was laying in a reclining chair. I start to believe in many things. As I watch tv I think there are 6 Spanish mami’s coming to get me. In the window there was a entity named “Chop” and in order to survive Chop I couldn’t think and I had to limit my movements. There were people surrounding me outside, killing whatever was hiding around the outside of the mancave. Eventually I’ll move and do something but it got so bad that I was accustomed to being still and I couldn’t get up to pee. I’d pee on myself. I couldn’t get up to doo doo. I’d Doo Doo on myself. I saw different color dots on the ceiling. Red dots surrounded the top of the room and they would point at me. I’d dodge around the mancave thinking someone’s aiming there weapon at me flipping couches over hiding underneath them etc. I’m going through all these different things then it hits me. I felt like I was pressured to hit this black light he had there which he said didn’t work. But he told me to hit a light if I get scared. I was so scared I hit the black light. Then everything went kind of bonkers. I’m dodging these red beams which leads me to sit by the trashcan in a upward fetal position. I hear a lady by the garage window “Well you tried to save me” as I’m thinking there are people outside that are killing around the mancave. I hear 2 knocks at the door I thought of the 2 knocks as a friendly “You ok in there” type of gesture so I tried to knock back a little for assurance that whoever this was may be have been on my side so I said “Hello” in a timid voice then a man responds “you are absolutely not supposed to talk to me” so I be quiet. I’m in front of the trash can by the door then I hear the door nob jiggle. I cannot stress this enough I’m saying ” No No No Please don’t” while I’m hanging on to the door nob because I thought whoever was outside was trying to get me next so I twist and turn it myself trying to keep it locked. Then eventually I let it unlock and my dad opens the door seeing me on the ground asking if I’m alright. Silly me I tell him yeah I’m fine. Sometime goes past and I get another belief that pops in my understanding.
I believed that El Chapo was about to kill my family. Not my whole family but the ones inside of my pops house. I don’t know how many times my family died, to me, but they did and I still believed in the nonsense when I saw or heard they were alive and well. With all this being said I start debating on whether I should run away from this problem or stay and face this problem. My type of scared is one that has the heart feeling rested on by fear and amped up by it, also one that feels like straight torture. I believed that he was on his way and would be pulling into the driveway sometime soon. I chose to leave but before I leave I hear a women with a voice I don’t know say from my pops windows. “That’s why I told you to stay” ” I want you to stay but go” I jump the gate and I start walking. I hit the main road. As I’m walking I start to question myself “Am I tripping?” “Should I go back?” with these things being said I start acting it out. I start turning back and forth, back and forth, because I was debating on if I should go back. Eventually my back and forth led me to the decision for me to keep walking.
As I’m walking back and forth again, and I kid you not, I see shadows lining up on my shadow. One hand of the shadows has a knife in its right hand over my shadows shoulder stabbing at the concrete to my shadow. I see hundreds of them just lining up as I go back and forth debating. They’re on the street light swinging back and forth as in bobbing their upper body in a nodding their head type of motion. Then they’re falling from trees off the light poles just gathering on my shadow hundreds of them (Well maybe hundreds is me over exaggerating) . At this time I’m thinking El Chapo is Jesus Christ and he was returning and my legs were trembling because of this. The shadows were literally tugging at my pants legs and jacket or so I believed. Well I kept walking and I made some progress down the street. I’m totally freaking out doing this then I see a man made of leaves in a bush with his left hand doing a talking motion as I keep walking. I finally pass some neighborhood and as I’m walking past I start to feel zaps and I started to see red beams coming from the top of buildings and trees. Well I’ve made my mind up. I’m walking but I’m constantly jumping and say what the heck as I’m getting zapped.
I come to the real main street and as I walk down a bit further, still being zapped, I see two men doing what they were doing then one walked off. One of the men seen my calamity and asked if I was ok and that I seem distressed. I told him that I was fine and continued walking. He follows behind me and starts yelling loud sudden noises and I’m like for what dude, I’m already scared to death but I payed no mind. Eventually he fades from behind me and I keep walking. All the cars that passed by, none of them stopped to do nothing malicious to me, good. The cars that I do see I have my suspicions about even the ones that are stationary. “They’re watching me I know it”. So I get to the end of the main road make a right and then another right and now I’m walking back home . My guard is still up as I believe the shadows were just watching me through the trees dropping down roaming around me. I even saw some figures that actually looked like ninjas. I eventually get home and as I closed in I said to myself hmm they may still be alive, I don’t know, I won’t know until I find out. They’re probably fine I exclaimed. Man I could’ve swore they were using my dad’s car for heads. Anyway I start to close in on the gate beside the house and as I get closer I start to see my dog Tank shifting in a manner.
He didn’t look like himself. He would phase a bit. Shifting his form back and forth looking like my dog then another. I jump the gate and head to the mancave but something’s different. The crack of the door where it opens was phasing too it looked like some black type of energy was just sitting there. I grab the door nob and it went away as I opened the door. What a crazy night I say to myself as I lay back down and get back in my stay stationary mindset because I knew that chop was still there.
Furthermore to the story I was trying to go to sleep one day and as I usually do I would start to gaze off because that’s how I used my mind. I started gazing off not remembering much of what I think falling deeper to sleep and boom my heart jumps hard and I snap out of it but when my breath comes to a halt of catch my breath and my heart comes to a halt thump thump I see a flash of a man by the air conditioner saying something smiling. Now this wasn’t my first time experiencing something like this. I’ve been doing stuff like this since a kid. My first time I was thinking figuring things out then I got a boom. A image of me watching the world from the start saying “Oh that’s why they do that” well I did just figure something out I just can’t remember what it was. Once again, my gaze tire to a phase. I was flipping through thoughts and landed on a 47 floating in gold resembling a cinema beginning one I can’t remember the name of But then again, I felt my heart jump and I caught my breath as I snapped out of my gaze I do not remember and is met with a flash, this time me holding a phone but everything is inverted. Ah I’m off task but where I’m trying to get at is that this happened again. This time as I’m in the man cave a voice came to me like this saying “Stop panicking” it sounded like two voices a brother of mine and a random voice. I seen a sigil flash blue above the door as it was said. I’m completely losing my mind I’d say to myself.
3rd experience: I’m at my cousin pops house, nothing much going on. He tells me to jump in the shower but I won’t because I can’t help but believe that there was type of time travel or something weird going on in the bathroom. I don’t know how it came to my pops picking me up but he came and I decided to go with him instead of staying with my cousin. So we’re on the road and he’s doing his routine talk but I can’t help but to keep seeing his face flash into someone else’s. A person I met at my cousin’s dad house. So I’m thinking they have some face swap type deal going on which led me to believe that he’s not even really my father, he’s the man from my cousin’s dad’s house. So we eventually get home and he’s talking to me in the car but I can’t help but to wander off mentally and belief wise. I’m stuck believing my friends are waiting for me and that I have to leave plus I was dealing with his whole shape shift ordeal. It was wild. We finally get out of the car but I don’t trust him. He’s the guy from my uncle’s house, how could I. I don’t remember how this goes but I remember being afraid to go back in the mancave with him. I mean I didn’t trust him.
Somehow we’re in the front yard and I forgot how this happens fully. It’s kind of cloudy but I remember him sitting down talking to me about something, about why I’m acting weird, am I ok, stuff like that (Side note: For some reason I always believed that I needed to go hit the streets with strangers or my friends or maybe get in a car or something to that nature. Like what kind of MK Ultra stuff is that anyway). For some reason I kept moving and kind of evading him in the front yard because guess what to me he wasn’t my dad and there was a big tricky war going on at my pops and uncle’s house. Eventually with all the evading I was doing for some reason I started to feel a stab like feeling in my stomach area. I kept running from my pops and the stabbing feeling got worse.
It started to add up. I eventually told my pops that it feels like I’m getting stabbed in the stomach. Not a normal feeling but one that seems like it was triggered by my back and forth due to perfect timing. So I’m in the yard one slice after the other and it hurts. I think my pops might of told me to sit down, so I sat down on the front steps trying to bare the feeling of feeling like I’ve been stabbed multiple times, like I could feel the wounds leaking, but of course when I lift my shirt there was nothing there. Another cold trick that my mind had placed upon me. On the porch my stepmother came out and tried to comfort me with some pizza but with what I was experiencing I couldn’t eat. An ambulance pulled up and it pulled up quick I didn’t even see anyone call 911 but they came and they put me on the stretcher. And at this point I believed there was some type of war going on whether between my dad and my uncle or my dad vs my stepmom. Most likely it would’ve been my dad and my uncle because that makes sense seeing as I thought that was why the man from my uncle’s house was my dad and that they were trying to do something tricky. I even thought they were in the house battling. As they close the two doors of the ambulance my dad looks at me with a sense of certainty but I heard what sounded like gunshots on the right side of the ambulance which was facing my dad’s house.
As I’m on the stretcher on the way to the hospital (By the way me being me I thought we might have fast traveled because we were at the hospital quick) I could feel my stretcher shake and move from behind me. The kind of shake like a spirit was putting some mojo on the stretcher. I just thought like what was happening. As I’m about to look back a lady paramedic that was with me in the back of the ambulance screamed “Jesus Christ” seeing as how gullible my mind is her saying that with perfect timing made me believe I wasn’t supposed to look back cause that was Jesus Christ. As we’re starting to drive I noticed something. On the back windows of the ambulance windows where I could see out of there were reflections of apartment buildings that were familiar. A place that I used to stay at named Primm. The reflections of the buildings were just piling up. I eventually lost notice. Then we finally got to the hospital. I thought this man that I knew from Primm was going to make a grand appearance since I’ve seen him out of state for no reason and he was acting weird, so I thought maybe he had something else under his sleeve. But they put me in a room and I’m just waiting.
At this time I’m still scared to look back but still I’m just waiting for whoever I was waiting for. Whoever it was I believed something was bound to happen. The room had some type of ventilation that was very out in the open and very noticeable starting from the room and connecting to a window that was in the room. I thought this ventilation system was some type of concoction they would be using to cut my head off or something. I was freaking out, but at the same time I was still kind of being chill about the whole situation. But who would ever be cool with being in danger?! Not me, not anymore. So it turned out my suspicions weren’t real they were just odd suspicions.
The doctors came in. Doctor after doctor. I only saw a few doctors plus a lady who asked me what was going on inside my brain. Heck, I don’t even know anymore. I may have fell asleep, I’m not sure but next thing I knew it was sunlight outside. I heard a commotion coming from the room next to mine and I thought the people in that room were the people from my uncle’s house talking to me. I told the ambulance lady when I first got in what I had believed at the moment. So they were calling me a snitch and all other type of stuff. I should’ve known the mind likes to substitute what you think should be there instead of the truth, well especially in my case. As long as they weren’t trying to bust in my room and do me any bodily harm I was fine. The window where the ventilation system was brought in with shadows from the different trees and bushes outside, and one of them was acting as my cousin, lol. He was the shadow of a bush or something like that and as the apparition swung in the wind and him being the apparition he was talking but it was a good type of talk. His apparition was just moving in a funny serious manner, just to talking his stuff to me.
I ended up being discharged from the hospital and I guess my dad didn’t know how to deal with me so he told me if I was to go back to his crib that I wouldn’t be leaving. I didn’t really know how my life was gonna work but I urged him to come pick me up and take me home. I had enough stress as it was. He just kept beating around the bush. “You need to figure out what you gone do”. Like come on pops you not gone do ya son like that. My sister did but I know at least you be fronting.
I never been to Prisma so it was all new to me. The whole hospital looked familiar and for some reason I thought I was in Vegas due to it being call Prisma and it just looked like a extra layer facility. I urged my pops to let me come stay with him again. He and I both knew I had nowhere else to stay. He eventually pulled up in the parking lot but I wasn’t sure if it was him. See at the moment I thought this was a place of like doppelgangers and stuff. Cars were the same, it was just all weird. I felt like I was experiencing a new type of world, my world none the less, but a world that I never knew but newly discovered. I came to his window and he’s constantly yelling to me “If you come back to my house your behind ain’t leaving” Even still I insisted I come, what’s the worst that can happen lol. I believed now because he had his Mason cloth in the middle console that I was leaving with a alternate reality version of my dad. He was calling out names as we rode (since I thought we were in a different state it felt like we were fast traveling to get to where we live looking at all the signs and what not) like “Alpha” “Delta” etc. Everything felt different I thought we had entered a alternate dimension since he was my alternate dimension dad. I thought and believed because of the way he acted that he knew this was an alternate dimension and he was picking me up to stay in his dimension.
After we got home I was looking at the mancave like another family is probably here. I was so out of whack, my belief system was terrible. Whatever I understood, I understood it in a negative way. My beliefs were distraught. After that I kind of sailed through the different things I would believe. My paranoia changed over a bit, I don’t know how. It just feels different. Anxiety washes over me and it’s terrible when it does. It feels like a fire burning inside me and I just feel constant panic. Hopefully my panic attacks are less and less now that I’m getting treatment for my schizophrenia. The voices etc., I never really had too much trouble with voices. I just have trouble thinking negative all the time. It sucks, but I have times where I’m peaceful.
My name is Zsakir Clark and this is my journey of being schizophrenic so far, and the downs to it, there’s not really an up but yeah.
My name is Zsakir Clark and I’m from South Carolina, Columbia living in Las Vegas Nevada I’m 20 years old and I’m a schizophrenic.