When I was asked if I wanted to write for Stigma Fighters, I couldn’t imagine what it was that I would say to the world about my experience. I have been through so many different experiences both personally and with other people. I fight a battle everyday because of one of these experiences.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with borderline post traumatic stress disorder. With the diagnosis comes anxiety and some depression. People often ask me if I’ve been to war, because they are the only ones who can suffer from PTSD right? Wrong. 3 years ago I was in a relationship that I thought was “the one”. The one I was going to spend my life with. Unbeknown to me, he suffered from a mental illness called borderline personality disorder. I was never told about his illness nor did I ever notice anything was wrong.
About a month into us moving in together things started to change. His moods were uncontrollable and there was lots of anger directed at me. It was then I found out not only was he suffering from a mental illness, he had also decided to completely stop all medication without direction from his doctor. I was absolutely helpless. There was nothing I could physically do to get him help without his consent.
Day in and day out I was met with verbal abuse that little by little broke me down to a shell of who I was. As I broke I also watched every phase of him break until he hit rock bottom. I stared at a person I once knew and barely recognized him. He was skin and bones. He often hit himself and then cried himself to sleep at night. I urged him to speak with his doctor. He had gotten so far off track that he made himself believe he was okay, and he would get better by himself.
After 3 solid months of this I began to fear for my own life. I started having anxiety and panic attacks every night before he got home from work because I didn’t know what kind of mood he would be in. After talking with a professional the only option I had was to leave. There was nothing I could do to help him until he decided to get help.
I moved out and felt free. Free from the verbal abuse. Free from the threat of being harmed. Free until I realized I was not okay. A year after I left the pain started all over again. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was gaining weight. My stomach was always upset. I kept hearing his voice telling me that I was worthless and I would never escape him. I had to do something to make it go away.
Today I am working through my past by speaking to a therapist. I have a supportive boyfriend who helps me stay on track and reminds me that I am doing what I need to do. I am starting to feel more like myself and less like a prisoner of my own thoughts. I write a lifestyle blog and I like to focus on wellness. People often to forget to include mental health in their wellness plans.
It is my dream to help get mental health more awareness. So many people struggle and have no options for help. The costs are high and the waiting periods can be long. I hope in the future this will not be a topic people shy away from, but something we can embrace and help get people feeling better.
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Trish is a lifestyle blogger taking life one day at at time. It is her dream to bring awareness to mental health and often blogs about the importance of mental wellness as part of any wellness plan. You can find her on Twitter and on her Blog
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I grew up in a borderline/gambling/ social climbing/alcoholic/bipolar household. The provider, my father, had those characteristics and we were never ‘heard’ or approved of. In fact, when I get rejected or get mixed messages, like “Come and volunteer for NAMI” in this capacity or that…well they never return my call. It hurts. But DBT, which I’m going to look into says that we have distorted thinking and take all this crap from the borderline that is really just ‘his’ stuff. Best Wishes for you and keep writing. You write a mean article.
Thank you Allison. I appreciate your kind words. Sorry it took so long for me to respond to this.