I’m tired.

I’m tired of the constant battle in my mind. The enemy that lives in my brain and strains me, drains me, to the point of mental exhaustion. I’m tired of having two separate personalities. Im tired of being the kid who’s always upbeat, who always brings the positive outlook and always says yes. I’m tired of having a day go fantastic, loving the people around me. Feeing happy where I am in life. Then three hours later or the next day wondering where I am and why I’m there. I didn’t go through college and put myself financially behind the 8ball for this. I’m tired of never feeling happy or satisfied with myself. Never looking in the mirror and feeling confident. Why must I always find something to point out wrong with my appearance. Why can’t I be okay with who I am. I’m tired of being so hungry for acceptance. I’m tired of bringing myself down because I can’t live up to my own expectations. I’m tired of the pressure to succeed that I create in my brain. I’m tired of worrying about things I cannot control. I’m tired of my body and minds incompetence to relax. I’m tired of feeling lost when I should feel found. I’m lost of feeling empty when I should feel fulfilled. I’m tired of losing myself in love and never regaining myself. I’m tired of my non existent ability to trust. I’m tired of feeling pockets of extreme joy and happiness to the point of joyous tears. I’m tired of feeling so down and sad to the point of random tears. I’m tired of appearing okay to the world and pretending the smile on my face and my laugh are genuine. My brain is tired.

Dad I miss you. I struggle with your loss daily. I realize that no blame can ever be placed in anything. My situation is not unique but it is my uniqueness that prohibits me from healing from the loss of the man I never knew who I love and never uttered a rememberable word to. Im tired of pretending that I’m okay with your loss. Im tired dad. I want to come home.

I’m tired of loving and losing and saying I’m okay. I’m tired of wishing I’m okay when in reality the thought of not being good enough for another human being eats away at me everyday. I’m tired of not being able to provide someone with highest level of happiness possible. I’m tired of not being accepting the fact that sometimes I’m just not what people look for. I’m tired of looking for approval in a partner. I’m tired of not showing how I love people, I’m tired of not realizing it’s okay to let people know that I’m happy. I’m tired of not knowing and understanding love. I’m tired of driving people away the ones who are closest to my heart, I’m tired of pushing loved ones away when really trapped in my mind I’m yelling for just a hug. I’m tired of being afraid to open up and talk to people and let them in and let them help. My heart is tired.

Im tired of living the life of hospitality when hostility lives inside me. I’m at war with my mind and I’m tired, worn. I’m tired of being ready some days to fight the war and I’m tired of the war kicking my ass and restraining me to my bed. I’m jailed in my own mind and I’m scared to think I’ll never get out. I’m tired of holding back true emotions because I’m scared to let them out.

I’m shouting for help but my mind is compressing it to sound something like, “you’re very welcome, anything I can do to help” and forcing a smile to come through.

Sometimes and some days I’m ready to come home. I’m ready to meet you dad. Some days I’m ready to overcome this. Some days I don’t even know who I am. I’m scared and fear of everything in this world. Fear has taken over my world and I fear not only am I not living up to others, I fear about my own mind and the consequences of not living up to my own expectations. I’m tired

4:26a.m. I awaken in a panic that I am late even before my mind can comprehend the time, or the day I have so suddenly awoken to. Now that my heart is racing, hands a little numb I grab my phone, to get get ready. I see the time, get angry at myself, slam my head back down on the pillow and try to relax to sleep for the next hour.

6:00am the alarm sounds on my iPhone, this time my body refuses to move. Reluctantly grab my phone, half-blinded by the brightness I comprehend the day, the time and what I must do today.

Anxiety begins now in 3..2..1

I race to the bathroom to get the shower ready, rush through my shower and the fear of being late to work looms. Think, rethink, overthink what I should wear to work. I can’t wear this, it looks to casual, I have to shave, but I was told my facial hair was okay. The war is just beginning, 10 minutes after my brain has been awake. Step out of the shower, eyes glued to the clock, am I still on schedule? Yes, but pickup the pace my mind urges. The simple morning tasks for every human being do every day become a chore for me. I’m already contemplating how people will perceive me before I even brush my teeth. Every hair has to be perfect when I comb it because what if somebody will notice? Will this wrinkle in my khakis make my boss think I’m sloppy which will make him wonder if I’m a sloppy worker? Do you see how the avalanche of overthinking happens? It’s crazy, it’s irrational, it’s uncontrollable.

IMG_029723 year old
College grad
Full time employee

Sam can be found on Twitter and Facebook.