I just don’t know how

To console you

Reassure you that you have validity

Not get impatient or angry when you disobey me

Or allow you the amount of independence you claim you have.


When your sweet little self

Shows her grown up attitude

I feel….


Small. Inconsolable. Panicked.

Like Whatever comes out of my mouth is a bargaining chip

Or as if I said the most awkward thing one could say

To a child.


When we are not listening to one another

My heart swells and fills with anxiety and I can’t hear what you need

My eyes cloud over and I get stuck in a foggy loop of emotions and tears. My voice raises and you cry harder.


I feel incapable of saying what you want to hear

Or finding a happy medium.

I dislike being cross and upset

But with you, most especially.

As you grow and become your own person, I see more and more of myself behind your eyes.

I want to give you the world.

Hear you giggle

Watch you paint your universe in color.

But I am not a teacher like your daddy. The ability to calm and sooth you is not inherent for me

When I am upset.

For that, sweet child of mine, I must confess, troubles me deeply.

But we never go to bed angry

And we will always talk it out until we are comfortable again.

This is My promise to you sweet girl,

I hope you understand.

I just want what’s best for you

Even if my version of that is not what others have in mind

It’ll be you and me kid

And we are going to rule the world!

285055_10441898_10154061302066170_123623609394017273_nMom of a 5 year old, wife to my amazing husband for 11 years, chef and food porn blogger, living in Portland Oregon with bipolar disorder and finding a way to rule the world!




Jessica can be found on her blog, Facebook and Twitter.