PTSD – My Own Personal Human Bondage
I may not have went to war to have the traumatic effects of PTSD, but I do have the emotional capacity to be a bit broken down by them. My life started out dramatically to two parents who never really gave a shit of whether I lived or died. I was forced off on a relative to raise. I was raised in a god fearing home. I learned early on not to speak unless spoken to. I learned how to conceal all emotions for fear of what was to come if I was either happy or sad. There were times when the belt would come out that I wondered if she would ever quit hitting me. I prayed for escape. I prayed that the people who gave me life would love me enough to come rescue me. My prayers went unanswered for over 15 years. After 15 years of mental and physical abuse, my abuser died a horrible yet fitting death. I was horrified at her passing, not because she was gone, but because I was relieved that she was gone. What kind of person was I to be glad that she was dead?
Over the next 15 years of my life, out of guilt I think, I picked up where she left off. I never harmed myself physically, but mentally I abused myself. I have used the term underachiever, but I believe that is a lie I tell myself. I self sabotage every aspect of my life. I run people off before they have the chance to love me and seriously hurt me. At nearly 37 years old I still huddle in a corner when people act aggressively around me. I wish there was a switch that I could turn off to get through all of the negative that has happened in my life, but I am not foolish enough to believe that. I know it will take work and time. It is something that I need, but more importantly my children need. I need to be the example of a strong and thriving woman for my daughter so she can become one also. Will I ever get past the abuse both mental and physical? I don’t know, but I will not quit until there is no breath left in my body.
* * *
I am a single mom with two at home. One of my children are intellectually disabled and right now is my main priority.
Colby can be found at her blog
If you enjoyed this post please take a few moments to leave a comment or use the little share buttons below and share this post with your friends!
Keep fighting and know that you’re not alone. You have a group of supporters who will help you succeed.
Thank you Jessica.
It’s okay to be glad she’s dead. I know that won’t be a popular opinion. But it is. It’s okay. You’re not bad for thinking that. It’s a natural part of how she conditioned you, and it’s not your fault.
I know the self sabotage all to well. I’ve been destroying my own efforts for far too long now, whether it’s in love and/or friendship or in my career.
You don’t have to have been to war to have PTSD. I got my complex PTSD from the ritual torture I suffered at the hands of my abusers. When my mom’s boyfriend got the death penalty for killing a baby when I was in my late 20s, I felt so terrible for that baby, and so guilty that I didn’t kill the man myself before he had a chance to do that. But none of that is my fault. And I have a right to feel the natural sense of relief that comes with a threat like that being removed from the world.
But the thing is, all this coping is really hard and the stress builds over time. It is insanely difficult to keep coping sometimes. I see therapists now and it’s helping me a lot. Mine don’t cost money, because I don’t have money.
I feel way better now about my growing stability and functionality, and I’m much more able to focus on my two daughters’ needs as I stumble through life.
There with you and for you,
For me it took years to realize I had issues and it took years before I took the steps to do something about it. For me I battle the PTSD, depression, self sabotage, and OCD. The challenge was added that I am a special needs mom. This challenge adds to the depression and frustration.