My house is a mess. A huge mess. Not one of those “oh, I’m so sorry for the mess!” and there’s 2 things out of place kind of messes, a REAL disaster. It always is. I live in a constant state of “it would be clean if I could just…”
If I could just have more time, if I could just have the energy to do all the things, if I could get a break from the kids…
“It would be clean if…”
The real end of that sentence is “…I could be a different person.”
My body is a mess. I’m 5’0” and weigh 170 lbs. That’s the first time I’ve ever said that to anyone. I’ve spiraled out of control, and despite knowing exactly how to fix it, I am in a perpetual state of “I could get in shape if…”
…if I were a different person.
My life is a mess. I’m thirty years old, I’ve accomplished NONE of the things I’d planned. The books I’ve always meant to write, the college I didn’t end up going to, the career I was going to be proud of, the things I was going to study, the perfect wife I was going to be…
I could if.
I’m never going to be a different person. This is the person I am. This is what I was given to work with. Obviously I should always strive for improvement, and I do get better at things as time goes by, with great effort. But I won’t say to myself anymore, “I could if I were a different person.”
All of who I am is good enough!
I married young, full of ideals, dreams of “if we work hard enough to be different than we are, we can do anything together!” That was a ridiculous fantasy to begin with. Of course it failed! None of us will ever be a person we’re not.
I’m not the perfect parent. I fail a million different ways every single day. I have A.D.D., which rules over me, and has since I was a child. I have crippling anxiety and depression, and destructive self-talk.
But I also have spirit. Passion. An unquenchable thirst for understanding and beauty. A love for people who AREN’T what they “should be”, and a determination to show them all that WE ARE ENOUGH. We are no two people the same. And that’s more than OK, that’s ideal.
We are enough, AS-IS. Own it. Own yourself, and let it be OK to be just plain human. We are all flawed. Flawed, and perfect.
* * *
My name is Aubrey. I’m known to good friends as Aubrey Anne, my family calls me Aubs, and my three kids call me Mom.
I’m a recently-single mom of three boys. I have dreams too big for my own good, I’m three times the personality I should be, frequently considered too dramatic, and at times I wonder if I’ve lost my mind completely. A big part of my story involves battling depression, learning to live with anxiety, and figuring out how to cope with Adult A.D.D. I talk a lot about mental illness, and the way we all can triumph over the stigma and symptoms of these issues. We no longer live in the age of secret endurance. We can speak up and live, laugh, and cry together.
Aubrey can be found on her blog, Twitter and Facebook
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