Dear friend,

How are you? Sorry I keep on forgetting to ask you about you.. I guess I am just too lost to look beyond my own head and that kinda makes me a bad friend. So, I apologize.

This week hasn’t been a good one… I made a few decisions… Have been miserable, discovered something about me and well just felt lonely while sitting in between family gathering.

I dread going back to University (I am going back tomorrow), it’s just going to that tiring pretend-you-are-happy all the time while people around you believe it and people who do know about the situation don’t really care. I guess I should get an Oscar or something for fooling so many people 24x7x365. Damn! I got some super acting skills #PretendSwag

*Sigh* I don’t want to go back, I really don’t, there’s no one there who cares, to be honest? I just want to disappear somewhere peaceful, Maybe somewhere with the beach, I have always loved sea… So wast and you can just disappear in the raw beauty of it, there’s a whole world in it, I wonder if fish really have some sort of life like in Finding Nemo. Oh! Did you watch the Finding Dory trailer yet? Something are meant to last forever 🙂 Isn’t it weird how movies can make you smile but life can’t… I was in Movie Marathon just a few days back… Finding Nemo, Hunger Games – Catching Fire, Mocking Jay Part -1, Insurgent.. I slept at around 7a.m…..

Ah well… I am really depressed at the moment, I really don’t want to go back, what’s the use of going back to a place where you aren’t loved. I just want to disappear.

My family is here… They all came yesterday, all the cousins and aunts. And I never felt so lonely as I did since they came yesterday. I don’t really fit in with them. I am too different, too independent, the black sheep. Spent the time feeling miserable the whole time, there must be something wrong with me when all of the cousins click with each other but not me. And you know what, they all come to me when they need some help, at that time I am most important person to them. I guess it doesn’t matter. Whatever.

I went and visited a school friend because she wanted to meet me as it has been so long. She is a really good friend and I love the fact that we have been friends for over 6 years now. The whole time I was there I just wanted to drop the pretend and just breakdown but I decided she don’t need my shit in her life. She is happy with hers and I am sure she have problems and she don’t need mine over hers. I don’t think she can help me anyway, she is just too far away and I don’t want to burden her.

I don’t exactly remember what day it was, I guess Nit pointed out to me that “I am running away from my Happiness, it’s like I don’t think I deserve it”, I don’t know how I feel about that to be honest, is it true? I don’t know… I know I want to be happy and I try, I open up to people and I just end in disappointments. Either my friends don’t understand the extent of it or they are too optimistic. You know what, it gets tiring, when you are opening up to someone and they just throw optimism in your face, why can’t they be realistic and understand that whatever optimism they throw in my face is just like reading quotes on internet and trying to relate it to my life and knowing it at the same time thinking what a load of crap. When someone tells you “good things will come your way….be patient”, don’t they understand that I have tried it and waited for those good things to happen and all I ever got was disappointments… Don’t they know that good things just seems like pipe dreams to me…. I wish people stop trying to be so optimistic and for once try to step in my shoes and see the extent of it, even if they only see 10% I am sure it will be enough for them to realize that its getting deeper and deeper.

Enough of heavy stuff. Tell me are you one of those people who gets too excited for Christmas and start celebrating it like right after thanksgiving or even before that?

We need to come back to heavy stuff again… Paris is just breaking my heart, so many people dead, so many friends, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers lost….. This life is a weird thing… People who don’t want to die are getting sick or getting shot or are part of an accident and people who want to die are just sitting idle. I don’t know why people fight on the name of religion. Why can’t we all just be happy and content and let everyone follow whatever they want to follow, be what they want to be, why is there so much stigma, why can’t be a boy – a girl or a girl – a boy, why can’t people love same sex, why does it have to be opposite sex only. Why so many tags and boundaries. Even though I am not much in favour of living myself but that doesn’t make me blind, we have short lifespan even shorter than turtles.. so why so many restrictions… why can’t we do what we want to do, be who we want be and be with who we want to be. I will never understand these boundaries.

You know what is really sad? No one looking past your mask or even trying to look past it.

Love always,


Alix can be found on Facebook and Twitter