Today is a terrible day, I wish it was just bad. Funny, how we miss things once we lose them… I will take bad days over terrible days any day.
I am back to pretend life… pretend you are not dying inside with every breath you take… pretend that you are not thinking about taking your life every second… pretend that you are not lonely… pretend that people care about you… pretend that you are happy. Just pretend pretend and pretend. This pretending is so integrated in me that I don’t know how to be real me anymore. I get this all awkward and anxious when I try to be real me in front of people.
Throughout whole my life one thing has been constant, it’s so common that now I am certain and not just certain,100% certain that I am the one at fault. People has always left me, they walk into my life, they stay and I think that maybe this time they won’t leave but expectations are just that expectations because everybody who has ever came in my life has ended up leaving. Nam has also drifted apart now, like everyone else, I don’t know when it happened or what was the reason, she ended up leaving too. Maybe I was just too sad for her taste.
Isn’t it weird? You make a new friend, you dream of things, you think about them whenever you are doing something.. like what would your friend say.. will he/she enjoy this… you wonder how they would react… Everything is connected to everything and suddenly they are the most important people in your life and you think you have found a best friend. But then that best friend walks out of your life when it’s at the most crucial lowest point of your life and that adds to everything that’s already making you down and you feel worthless like you are not important in anybody’s life, like what’s the use of even continuing this life when you can’t even make a true friend.
I am finding myself hoping that classes should go on for 24 hours… In classes I can pretend but when it’s time to come back to my room at the end of the day when I take that left turn, it all comes crashing on me and it’s been three days since I am here and all three days it has happened. I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts anymore. I am scared, so very scared.
It’s like day by day I am realizing how deep I am sinking… I am having a lot of epiphany-s too. You know I used to call myself a coward because I used to get very methodical and scared when I cut, today I found out that I am not scared to cut but actually scared to not being able to stop myself, because honestly I am numb, I don’t really feel pain and the fear of being found out is too much and it’s holding me back, I don’t know, this scares me.
Want to know a morbid thing? Today around 8, I planned out how I will execute it – the ending of all this pain… I know I am going to write letters to all the people I feel are important in my life and now that I have figured out I am actually not afraid of cutting… I will just use that method. It’s so eerily creepy that I am kinda proud of my planning skills. I even made a list of people, I am going to send letters to, on my phone.. So that when it’s time I don’t forget them. This is the least I can do for them, those who has been an important part of my life and even if they have drifted apart… At one point of my life they made me feel loved and made me not feel alone, I owe this much to them.
I used to love being alone as kid, maybe because that’s all I have ever known, but now, with all these thought, I don’t ever want to be alone anymore. My friends are drifting apart. My dad has drifted apart and I know that, before he used to get all worried when I forgot to ring him up but now days go by and no call… I guess he have other priorities now. It’s al right though, who would want a messed up kid like me. I miss him you know, but you have to just forget somethings-somebodys sometimes. I guess having a normal family will always be a pipe dream.
I have started spending time with nit though but I am just waiting for her to leave too… I know I am certain she will get fed up with me and leave too. And I told her so, I have my reasons… The more she is close to me the more she will end up hurting when I die, so, it’s the only way I can stop from hurting her.
I feel alone, so very alone, I wish I was telling all this to a real friend instead of typing it on a blog.
I just feel worthless, I know I am not worth it.
Do your friends know how you feel, or do you keep it hidden from them? I was afraid to reach out to my friends because I feel like I’ve done countless things to drive them away, but they surprised me by being understanding and supportive. You should reach out to your friends and your dad. I think you’re withdrawing from them yourself; I don’t think they’re actively avoiding you. If you feel like you can’t do that, then you should speak to a counsellor in student services. They can help you find a good therapist. It’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You have no idea how many people have been to therapy in their youth; parents tend to keep that stuff behind closed doors.
My mom passed away 10 years ago and I have trouble remembering her face sometimes. But I’ll always remember her voice. Memories fade sometimes. It’s okay, it happens to everyone. I saw on your blog that you were looking for a picture of her… is this something your father could help you with? Maybe this is an opportunity for you to reconnect with him. Once you know that someone is listening to you and taking you seriously, and it /will/ happen, you will feel a lot better, trust me.
It’s really really really hard to make that initial phone call. But you just have to tell yourself to do it and just do it. It’s going to be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Once you get over that first hurdle, it will become easier and easier for you to operate without anxiety and sadness tying you down.
(If you have a doctor that you see, you really do need to ask to be referred to a therapist or a psychiatrist; a standard family doctor is not qualified to make judgement calls on your psyche, only your body.)