When I was young, about seven or eight, I had “blackouts.” That was my word for them. Not because I lost consciousness or had holes in my memory. They were “blackouts” because it felt like I was blacking out from reality like the world was suddenly a bit more tenuous. Everything around me seemed to [...]
In 1997 I was 17 years old and I wanted to die; mindfulness meditation saved my life. If it wasn’t for Jon Kabat-Zinn’s body scan and sitting meditations, I would be dead. I was able to focus all my anxious and depressed energy into one singular place. My brain literally would not shut the fuck [...]
Anti-High Functioning I have been told many times that I am so high functioning for someone with depression. For a long time I not only did not mind this label but I embraced it. I thought I was fooling everyone, including myself with how I felt even though my cognition was rather disabled. I am [...]
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 2000 - 500 - 60 - 30 - 400 = ??? Banana, 90. Pizza, 150-300. Apple, 100. Coffee, 0. For someone who hates math as much as I do, you would never know by looking at my life. In 2011 my life became a complete numbers game. Counting steps, squats, [...]
Dog pills. That should do it. I had been depressed for the longest time. It started a a malaise in my youth making yearly visits like a season. However as I moved through puberty and young adult life the depression came more frequently, like the rain. Then one day it started raining and didn’t stop. [...]
If I look back at all the times my anxiety has taken over my life, it’s hard to fathom. It started back when I was a kid. I often didn’t want to go to school and developed a stomach ache. It went undiagnosed for years. At age 19, I finally sought treatment, and now at [...]
When my wife, Ann, was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it was not the major revelation that one might expect. It was a label to the problem I had been dealing with since she left Silver Hill Hospital. I knew something was amiss. Despite the weekly double session therapy she’d been attending faithfully and her [...]
Bubble and gurgle Boil and spout These ugly feelings Want to come out Warm acidic pressure Tight eyes and sealed lips it's a wonder they can't tell I'm near falling to bits A quick action A thoughtless mistake Killed all good vibes Quiet animosity overtakes Shut my mouth Glue close my eyes But not my [...]
Four words you never want to hear: ‘I want to die.’ Or, the other variation, ‘I want to kill myself.’ Living with two children with serious mental illness who were diagnosed very early (age 7/8) who also have pretty constant suicidal ideation is, just frankly, stressful and heartbreaking. I can remember when my now nineteen-year-old [...]
The Stigma of PMDD I love being a woman. I love my body and everything it can do. I love feeling maternal and being in touch with my emotions and utilizing my intuition as much as my logic and any other skills I have. I love my jeans and boots and sneakers, but I love [...]
