In 1997 I was 17 years old and I wanted to die; mindfulness meditation saved my life. If it wasn’t for Jon Kabat-Zinn’s body scan and sitting meditations, I would be dead. I was able to focus all my anxious and depressed energy into one singular place. My brain literally would not shut the fuck [...]
Anti-High Functioning I have been told many times that I am so high functioning for someone with depression. For a long time I not only did not mind this label but I embraced it. I thought I was fooling everyone, including myself with how I felt even though my cognition was rather disabled. I am [...]
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 2000 - 500 - 60 - 30 - 400 = ??? Banana, 90. Pizza, 150-300. Apple, 100. Coffee, 0. For someone who hates math as much as I do, you would never know by looking at my life. In 2011 my life became a complete numbers game. Counting steps, squats, [...]
Dog pills. That should do it. I had been depressed for the longest time. It started a a malaise in my youth making yearly visits like a season. However as I moved through puberty and young adult life the depression came more frequently, like the rain. Then one day it started raining and didn’t stop. [...]
If I look back at all the times my anxiety has taken over my life, it’s hard to fathom. It started back when I was a kid. I often didn’t want to go to school and developed a stomach ache. It went undiagnosed for years. At age 19, I finally sought treatment, and now at [...]
When my wife, Ann, was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it was not the major revelation that one might expect. It was a label to the problem I had been dealing with since she left Silver Hill Hospital. I knew something was amiss. Despite the weekly double session therapy she’d been attending faithfully and her [...]
Bubble and gurgle Boil and spout These ugly feelings Want to come out Warm acidic pressure Tight eyes and sealed lips it's a wonder they can't tell I'm near falling to bits A quick action A thoughtless mistake Killed all good vibes Quiet animosity overtakes Shut my mouth Glue close my eyes But not my [...]
Four words you never want to hear: ‘I want to die.’ Or, the other variation, ‘I want to kill myself.’ Living with two children with serious mental illness who were diagnosed very early (age 7/8) who also have pretty constant suicidal ideation is, just frankly, stressful and heartbreaking. I can remember when my now nineteen-year-old [...]
The Stigma of PMDD I love being a woman. I love my body and everything it can do. I love feeling maternal and being in touch with my emotions and utilizing my intuition as much as my logic and any other skills I have. I love my jeans and boots and sneakers, but I love [...]
For me social anxiety is like this: It’s not wanting people to look at me when I’ve put on makeup because they might see my flaws, but then not wanting them to ignore me either because that hurts my feelings as a highly sensitive person. It’s not wanting to feel their eyeballs on my skin [...]
