I don’t even know where to start with one of these, Ive never done this before, but its gotten so bad that I hope writing about this will help. For as long as I can remember I’ve always been a “shy” child. Where this stems from I have no idea, nothing tragic ever happened to me this is just who I am and I am not content with it. Later in life I was told it was anxiety, that started to make more sense to me. I never wanted to read in front of a class, I never wanted to talk to people, I never wanted to initiate anything. The recent years as of a year ago the anxiety has eaten away at my life, at my relationship, at my friend ships. There hasn’t been a day in over a year my mind has been at ease and happy with who I am. I am always so fixated on the past, on others and on who I should be rather than who I am now. There is a constant battle in my head like another person (being the anxiety) telling me I am nothing, I am not good enough, my girlfriend doesn’t love me, my friends are all fake, I am ugly, I am amounting to nothing in life. I’ve never had it this bad where its more than twice a week I think like this. I feel like I cant stop it, to the point where I will sit and cry because its so over whelming, non stop. I was so happy just last August of 2015. I don’t even remember the person I once was. I dont remember how to be happy. Its so fucking sad, so fucking hard, so fucking exhausting. I don’t even know this person I am now, I don’t want to be this person. As I get older and reality of life sets in such as money, buying a house, buying a car, going to college, It all piles up in my head. I want to be who I was I want to be who I so vaguely remember, so care free, so happy, so free spirited. Its easy to tell myself I can be that person, but then i remember where I am now and I am no where. I am always worrying the anxiety just doesn’t let my mind settle. I worry about my partners ex’s I worry they’re going further in life then me, why do I even care about them?! I know i need to worry about myself but anxiety tells me to worry about everyone else because they’re better than me. I constantly doubt my relationship, constantly think she will leave me for someone else who is happier who is successful. I get so tired of this, so drained, I need it to stop. I never stop to think if other people feel like this with a constant battle of you’re good enough and the other side saying you’re nothing. I want people to come forward, I want to speak to others who feel this bad. At some point I have to fix myself I cant live like this forever.
23 years old and trying to fight this illness at its worst.