A letter to my 18-year-old self

Dear 18-year old Charlotte,

I know times are hard and being alone and independent is scary. I believe you about the bad things that have happened to you that you don’t want to tell anyone about. Please know that it is not your fault and you did not deserve it. I believe you.

I want you to know that there’s nothing you could have done to prevent all that went down at the end of the year. You did everything you could and then some. You’re not to blame for not seeing the signs earlier; you’re still so young and you didn’t know any better. People are very lucky to have you in their lives.

Please don’t believe that you have to binge drink or give your heart to meaningless boys to numb yourself. It’s okay to feel the feelings. It’s okay to be sad, and shocked, and angry. You are allowed to feel these feelings, and you are allowed to move on from toxic situations.

I know that another situation happened where your body was no longer your own and you felt like you didn’t have any choice in the matter. I know that your body physically rejected it and you don’t think it was a big deal. I know that therapists will tell you time and time again that you had a panic attack because of your issues with people pleasing and control. Know that I believe you, it happened, it was a big deal, and you were not to blame.

I understand why you took back the control of your body. I know you felt helpless and in so much pain you didn’t know what to do. It makes sense that you took your body back and gave it to ED. I understand.

Please believe me when I tell you that you have not ever been responsible for other peoples’ lives. There is nothing you did too much of besides care. There is nothing you did too little of besides walk away. Whatever happens to that person is between them and themselves. You can’t help someone or make them stay well if they don’t want it for themselves. It’s not your fault.

I want you to know that walking away doesn’t mean you’ve failed or done something wrong. It means that you’ve had enough wisdom to know when toxic relationships are no longer serving you. It’s something to be PROUD of, being able to listen to your gut like that. You need to trust your gut because you have so much wisdom inside of you. There are simply people who no longer deserve to be in your life. And that’s entirely okay.

You will be invalidated. You will reach out for help about your concerns with your eating and will be told you don’t restrict enough. You will be told your panic attacks have nothing to do with assault and you don’t have problems with food. Your depression and eating disorder will be ignored, pushed down, encouraged. You will experience all of this, and it will hurt. A lot.

But I want you to keep going. I want you to keep advocating for yourself, to keep pushing forward. I want you to tell the professionals, “No! This isn’t normal!” until they listen to you.

Please know that the hate you feel for your body and yourself isn’t normal or just part of life. Please know that your struggles with food are not “just what everyone’s doing”. Please know that you are sick, and you deserve help.

Please don’t ever give up. Even when you’re in your lowest lows, keep going. You will eventually find a team of people who will BELIEVE you and HEAR you and you’ll no longer have to communicate by how long you can starve yourself. You will eventually be completely understood, and you may even find peace with the demons you’ve faced and the ones still lingering inside of you.

Please know that you do not have to hate your body and yourself for eternity. You may not like it, but your body has never given up on you. It’s been through all your darkest days and the times when you treated it like your worst enemy. I’m confident that one day you will find peace in your own skin, even if it’s a moment to moment kind of thing.

You are SO worthy. You are worthy in who you are, the way you act, the way you treat your friends and loved ones, and how you always want to do good for others. Your accomplishments do not define you, and neither do your body or your weight. You are a bright, kind, caring individual with a tremendous future ahead of you. Someday you may even help others deal with their own darkness; you may shine the light of hope or simply be there for them. You have SO much to give to others, this world, and yourself.

And finally, I know that this is hard. I know that a lot of times it feels like it’s going to get harder before there is any relief. But keep going. You are the strongest person I know. You are a WARRIOR. You are a survivor, who has been through hell and back and made it here. You can and will make it through this and everything along the way. And I’m truly so excited to see where you’ll end up.

23-year old Charlotte

Charlotte Kurz is an MPH student at NYU with a focus on community mental health. She is passionate about breaking down stigma through sharing her story, and hopes to be working in the field helping people gain access to treatment, break stigma, and talk about it. You can find her writing, taking photos, or playing with her cat Tubs.