People tell me there's hope, to hang on, but I don't see any hope. What does hope look like? Will I recognize hope when I see it? Is it yellow, golden, green, blue? What shape is hope? I wonder if I meet hope on the road if it will talk to me. I'm not sure. [...]
Nobody sees me in my family. I have feelings and I express those feelings but they are not heard. I feel like I am screaming as loud as I can and yet still, they ignore me or don't understand what I am trying to tell them. What I am saying isn't unreasonable or strange, in [...]
I was told that I was asocial, that it was a part of my personality disorder. I don't know what they meant by that. I sat in the doctor's office looking at these degrees that were framed in black frames on the wall. He seemed to love himself a lot. I don't know what was [...]
Counting calories was the only way that I knew how to control anything in my life. My mother used to call me fat. But I wasn’t. I didn’t understand why she would do this to me. It tortured me. I remember my favorite snack after school: Hostess Cupcakes. I can still taste them in my [...]
I want to sabotage the potential that I could be happy. I can see happiness as something that is an option for the future. If I look into the distance I see it as an exit off of the road. It's something that I could drive to, but it's not easily accessed. I want it [...]
What the hell was wrong with him?! He was such a pessimist! Many times his large blue presence plodded through my life, basically telling me to get over it. “Life’s not fair” don’t ya know? I nicknamed him Eeyore. He worried a lot. “Don’t trust no son of a bitch”. “You can always come [...]
It's just the grocery store. I don't know why I can't go there. It's not something I want to hide from. I need to get food, feed myself. I don't know why I am so afraid, so anxious, to go there. I tell myself all I have to do is get in the car. All [...]
Grief doesn’t have to just be about dying. It's common to grieve when a person dies. In fact when you think of the word "grief," most likely you associate it with death, but grief is about the loss of any kind. When you break up with someone, lose a friend, go a divorce or anything [...]
For many years I was afraid to be angry; truly angry. I knew I wouldn't lose control because I am not someone who does that. But I was terrified that I would be shunned or rejected for expressing feelings of anger or rage. It's not that I didn't want to express them, I did, I [...]
I am happy that my father is dead. I am happy that my family is dead. They’re dead and they can’t hurt me anymore. I don’t miss them, even now during the holiday season, I really don’t miss them. Call me a monster, tell me that I am a horrible person for saying such things, [...]
