I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember. Even as a little kid in kindergarten panic would take over and I'd run out of the cafeteria in a panic, scared of the noise and the people. It only got worse with age and constant bullying. By the age of [...]
*Trigger Warning: Suicide* I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for the first time when I was 20 years old. It came after a long period of severe anorexia and malnutrition, progressive dysfunctionality and decline in my physical and mental health. What I didn't know back then, I'm 30 now, was that it's not because [...]
TW: Abuse, Eating Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts I am 18 years old, but I feel as though I am just finally figuring out my place in this world and my identity. All my life I have lived with social and generalized anxiety disorders, as well as depression. It was not until I reached high school when [...]
One thing I wish I had as someone who is very new to the recovery process is a letter from someone else navigating the ups and downs of recovery. So this is for them. And for me. And for you. Dear brave, scared, beautiful you, The you that has just begun the recovery journey as [...]
I have had an eating disorder for longer than I have not had an eating disorder. It shocks me how little people still know and understand about them. When new studies come out about eating disorders, they have never discovered anything that I haven't already known for years. I don't know what they are studying [...]
“Imagine if something in your brain was telling you to act a certain way, a way that you knew in hindsight was dangerous but you still didn’t know know what to do. Imagine being at your lowest, being seduced by this voice that sucks you in, makes you feel valued, takes all that pain away… [...]
Counting calories was the only way that I knew how to control anything in my life. My mother used to call me fat. But I wasn’t. I didn’t understand why she would do this to me. It tortured me. I remember my favorite snack after school: Hostess Cupcakes. I can still taste them in my [...]
Broken Mirrors I’m standing in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom, scrutinizing my reflection while I devour the rest of my Halloween candy. The walls are plastered with flashy posters of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, my current idols. I look at their identical, doe-eyed faces, then back at my own, scowling at my [...]
The Day I Told an Entire Country That I Have an Eating Disorder By Kira McCarthy Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder. They also have the biggest stigma. Eating Disorders (ED’s) are misunderstood, not talked about, and extremely dangerous. What makes them so dangerous is the silence. Too many people, including medical professionals, [...]
Running: Away from or towards myself I have only one tattoo. It’s located on the inside of my left wrist and simply says, “Stay”. I got it immediately after leaving my first ED treatment center, at 18 years old, and haven’t gotten another since. It’s the most important message from myself, to myself. It’s also [...]
