Depression wants to take my life. It wants me in the corner, away from everyone so that it can feed me lies about myself as well as others. I can’t honestly say that I try to get rid of depression because it steals my motivation and my will to live. In return, I humbly submit to it. Living with depression is like living with a creepy shadow. Everywhere I go it follows me with its daunting presence and its dark cloud. It rains insults and judgments on my head. In doing this, my head as fertilizer, then produces guilt, unhealthy suspicion of others, poor self image, anxiety, social awkwardness, and delusions about how other people see me.
Depression is forceful, in that it does not ask for permission to wreak havoc on or in your life. It forces me to isolate due to a distorted way of thinking. “You’re no good, no one loves you, why are you still even alive, you are a burden”. As much as I would like to challenge those distorted thoughts, they are constantly being hard-wired into my brain. Those thoughts come with agonizing inner pain and sorrow. Depression is dangerous when it accomplishes its goal to be the only voice that you heed to.
I get away at times. However, the depression has an invisible cord attached to me. It will not let me get too far away from it. When it sences that that I am getting better on my meds it somehow sneaks in to tell me that I am fine, that nothing is wrong with me and I do not need medication. After much thought and much persuasion from this Insidious disease, I listen to it and go off of my medication. Following this, it tells me, “see you don’t need it you’re fine”.
The depression appears as a light in the darkness that it created. Once i listen and let my guard down and it has full access, it pounces; sucking all of my energy, causing me to be unmotivated, telling me that I am nothing, that people hate me and so on. Eventually it shows itself and how it succeeded in deceiving me.
Oh, how I loath depression; the friend that befriends me against my will, the energy that thrives on sucking my energy, the culprit that caused me to lose my will to live. The ugly inner beast.
My name is Ashley Wilson and i am a stay at home mom of one and an up and coming writer. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and ADHD in 2003. However I experienced a very severe episode of major depression in 2012, which led me to my first, but not last hospital stay in a psychiatric hospital. I was then diagnosed with Bipolar ll. Since that time, I have had to come to terms with what seemed to be a mental decline. However, just recently after the discharge of my partial hospitalization program, my meds we’re switched and now I am currently doing fine. I have my good days and my bad days. I am 27 and I have lived with mental illness the majority of my life.
In my spare time, I love to read fiction books, I love to educate myself on mental illness and various other topics. I also thoroughly enjoy spending time with my son Christian, my beautiful sister, Shamirra, and her three children and my other select family members. They keep me grounded, happy and peaceful as family should. I am very blessed considering what I’ve been through.
Ashley can be found on Facebook.
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