I wanted to die. I no longer wanted to go on living. It all became to much. From the failed relationships, to constantly partying with a shady crew who did shady things. I was sucked into a lifestyle of self destruction in an effort to numb the pain I was feeling inside.
I’ll never forget that night. I convinced a friend to go drinking with me and get hammered. After I left, I stopped by the local gentleman’s bar for a few hours by myself. I’ve passed by this place many times and never had the desire to go inside. Honestly not once.
I guzzled down a few more drinks and a pack of cigarettes. These weren’t just any drinks. It was my drink of choice, an energy drink and vodka. A lethal combination of a stimulant and a depressant. It was closing time at this point and I honestly don’t know how many trips I made to the ATM that night (and I’d like to keep it that way). I left the club and headed home. I didn’t want things to end there however so I grabbed some beer on way home; a six pack of lager as I recall. The direction home had two routes. One way, off in the distance, I saw an abundance of red and blue lights. Needless to say, I went the other way having already dodged several proverbial bullets that day.
I proceeded up the ladder to the roof top of my condominium. It was a cool spot to chill and look over the golf course. It seemed like a great idea at the time. I even invited my neighbor up, but they were busy. Given my altered emotional and physical state, it was probably not the best idea climbing anywhere, unless it were to bed.
At first, it was just a long night of bad decisions that I should had been done with 6 beers prior. My trigger to all of this was a phone call from my ex-fiance earlier that evening. She called to inform me that she was now dating someone close to me. Meanwhile, we were still living together although our relationship was falling apart. We fed off each others depression for years and I wanted out.
I tried to climb the wall of the roof that night, but was too intoxicated and tired to do so. I threw up and passed out on the ground for a few minutes. Just long enough to pull myself together in order to make my way back down to my apartment to sleep it off. I sent a disturbing text to my cousin during this chaotic night. She lived seven hours away at the time so she contacted my local police department.
Moments later, flashlights pierced the window blinds and a loud knock shortly followed. I stumbled to the door only to find 3 officers concerned about my well being. They came in my condo, asked a few questions and looked around a bit. Whatever I ended up saying to them I assume convinced them I wasn’t in any danger because they left.
Managing my emotions had become to cumbersome a task to go at alone. On the way to work the next day I pulled off the freeway in the direction of the nearest hospital. I explained my emotional instability and the series of events to their staff. They enlisted the help of psychiatric facility nearby that day to help me battle these demons. I spent the week there. It was like a vacation away from myself and it saved my life.
Sadly, it was just like the movies. One guy, who’s name was Scott, paced up and down the halls talking to himself or laughing hysterically. The lights flickered, we had “recess” of sorts, and someone got sedated daily. I quickly realized I did not belong here and how good I had it on the outside. In the hallway was a lemonade machine. Down the end of the hall on the left the TV/lounge area and coffee machine. Our days were very regimented. We had a bedtime. It was at my stay there that I began receiving the tools and resources that would ultimately save my life.
I started to receive medication which I’ve taken ever day since Every morning I was given 300mg of Bupropion Hydrocloride (which also made me quit smoking) and 10mg of Zolpidem in the evenings to sleep. I almost never slept the night through prior to this. Waking up hourly almost on the dot. A few instances in that time I didn’t sleep at all.
That was over a decade ago…
Since then I’ve gone on to do some amazing things with my life. Those years were some of the darkest days of my life. I was on the verge of something wonderful that night, and I almost lost it all.
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Thank you for having me!