DEPRESSION DOESN’T KILL US EXPECTATIONS DO
How are you? Sorry I haven’t written in a while, I was too busy, I was too tired and I wasn’t feeling like it.
I am not doing well, if you are wondering… I am sinking down and down into the rabbit hole and I don’t think I am heading towards wonderland. Only Alice was that lucky.
I wish there was a turn off button for what I am feeling now a days… I am too depressed, I am too hopeless and I am feeling defeated, anxious and numb all at the same time.
You know what, I understood something today, call it epiphany. It’s not depression that kills us inside out, it’s expectation… We expect to get what we give, we expect equal caring and well in words of John Green, World is not a wish granting factory.
It might seem to you like I am being self praiser, you know people who say great things about themselves but are nothing what they say, but I think I am describing myself right when I say that I am an extremely empathic and caring person, If I care for someone I do it fully, I don’t do it half way, If I trust someone I trust completely and I would go to all lengths for that person happiness even if it means doing something I don’t like. I don’t really have close friends in my University or Life… Yes, there are few people whom I care about, I have mentioned them before Nit and Nam, but, I know it’s a selfish thing to say, I am not really getting the same care in return and at this point in my life I really really really need it. They don’t really care for me as they care of others in our little group. We are a group of five in which I am fifth and Nam and Nit are really the ones who I click with, there are other two people but we are not really close. The thing is they don’t really call me when they are doing something fun, I am forgotten till I go and visit them myself. They all would go to lengths to makes each other, out of them four, happy but I never felt that level of caring. Maybe because I became friends with them at the end of 2nd semester and they 4 were together since 1st sem. I don’t know. It’s hard when you care about someone and they don’t revert it back, it’s like loving and caring for a dog who just bites you at every chance he gets. I know I am not important to them to or any one for fact.
I made a decision today, it’s harsh and I cried my heart out when I knew that this is what I have to do. The key to surviving is not have any expectations at all… At this point, I have been let down so many times that I have decided to not have expectations at all. I don’t expect anything… I don’t have true friends and I don’t expect to have them anymore… I don’t expect any type of care from my current ones. I have decided that they are better off without me, a depressed freak in society. When they don’t want to include me in anything who am I to force myself on them. It will be hard but it’s a piece of cake compared to what has happened with me in this life and I never really had any true friends, I never felt loved… So, its just a pipe dream.
I do expect this life to get over soon though, I don’t think anything good will happen anymore when it hasn’t happened in last 22 years. I don’t think I will get out of country soon either.
I have a way out but I can’t really commit suicide, I can’t do that to my dad even though I have to live through hell, he deserves this much from me. This is all I can give him.
I am on my way to home for 8 days holiday break. I don’t really want to go, I just want to be alone with my thoughts they are all that I have. I called my dad a lot of times and insisted on not coming home but he really wants me there so this is what I have to do even though I don’t like it.
You know what’s the worst feeling in this world? Its people,, who you care the most about, making you feel unwanted and worthless.
P.s. The author who wrote It’s kind of a Funny story, committed suicide. When I am reading that book I feel someone has converted my feelings into words. Book is based on author’s own life and now that I know he has committed suicide, I know for a fact that some people are just sad stories and I don’t think I can be saved. Some people just can’t be saved.
Alix, 22 F, Asian.
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