I wanted you to save me. That’s why I stayed with you. But I was wrong. You can save me or fix me. I have mood swings. Sometimes I run around the house cleaning everything, singing at the top of my lungs, and I’m euphoric, haven’t slept for days. I want to please you, be intimate with you a lot. See you as my medicine. You’re a human being and you’re not there to solve my problems. You are not there to bring me down from my high. That’s not your job. But I wish you could. I stayed with you because I wanted to be well. You told me to take my medicine and I said no. I don’t need medicine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Did you marry me? You did. You knew who I was. I told you I was bipolar. You knew what you were getting into.
I wanted so much to avoid the crash. You held me on the bed and rubbed my back while I cried, hard, hard, harder. You told me I was strong when I was weak. I’m glad you were there for that. I am glad that you understood that you couldn’t make it better. I had to learn how to fight for myself. You said that. You said it because you wanted me to be the person that you knew I could be. It’s okay, I don’t blame you. You were trying to help.
Finally, I listened to you. I took my medicine, the blue pills, the orange ones, the white ones and the bottles were all over the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself. I was tired and I didn’t want to fight anymore. I prayed to God for it to stop. But this is my life and now I know why I stayed with you. You love me no matter how much of a mess I am. You get it because your mom went through it. And even though she isn’t here anymore she is with us, watching over. Knowing that she gets what I’m going through.
You get what I’m going through even though it’s not happening to you. I love you for that. I will always love you. And I stayed even though I wanted to run away so many times. So many times I just wanted to go away and never come back. Thank you for being the man I needed. I’m so happy I married you.
If you are living with mental illness and considering getting married, there are many issues that you’re probably thinking about. This article from BetterHelp talks about the benefit of pre-marital counseling for anyone considering getting married. Here’s a piece from The Mighty from a husband talking about mental illness and marriage. Of course, check out the stories from real people living with mental illness here on Stigma Fighters.