February 14, 2013

I finally got home after a 15 hour day managing several restaurants. It was around 10pm. I fed my cats, ate something and got showered. I watched the news for a few and then got into bed and turned out the light. I guess it was 10 minutes and I had this very loud banging on my door. Who’s knocking on my door at 11:30 at night? I got up, looked out the blinds and it was two police officers. What the fuck, not again! I opened the door and they said, “we have a warrant for your arrest”. For what? I asked. They think it’s related to the other charges. This was the fourth time I had been arrested in the past two weeks on false charges presented by my attorney ex-girlfriend. As I was getting dressed I was becoming more and more pissed off. I kept looking at the knife on my nightstand. I knew I couldn’t get to it before they got to me. So I let that idea go. Instead, I called my attorney and left a message. Then called my son, and he was working out of town. So, no bail. I was so tired of being harassed by this woman that I was at wits end.

I was cuffed and taken in. They placed me in a holding cell to wait for processing. While I sat there, my head spinning with anger and depression, I thought,”This will never end. She will keep doing this shit until I’m in jail or dead.” I had worn my long sleeved denim shirt. They took my belt and my shoes. There’s a ring in the wall. Next to the bed. I’ll double knot my shirt around my neck and the other sleeve I’ll double knot to the ring in the wall. I did. Then I said, “God? If you’re there, I have no choice”. Then I rolled off the bed and stuffed both my arms into my pants behind my back. I relaxed into it and things became dark and more quiet. I was killing myself. Everything is ok. Just relax and let this happen.
The cop that arrested me was standing over me tapping me on the face saying wake up! I started to breathe and then cough and I threw up. What the fuck? I remembered what I did and started to try to talk. I was coughing something fierce. And then they picked me up and layed me on a gurney and the rescue took me to the hospital. I spent 1 day and a half in the psych ward. Once they heard my story they realized they had heard this story before from other people.
I am still here after four suicide attempts. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t think about dying. What I actually mean is suicide. As a pre pubescent child I thought about killing myself. You see, I have never liked my life. I have been trapped in this unending stream of consciousness. Never able to get out of it. When life becomes to much, I just want it to end.

I’m tired. My mind is tired. My soul is tired. I have tried so hard to become. Become what? Become what will make me happy and bring peace to me. I cannot find it. Maybe it doesn’t exist. Maybe I’m not supposed to be happy and at peace. Life comes with no guarantee. No notice that says you will or won’t whatever. You have to make your own. But, what if you try and try and try and still you never get there? What then? The law of diminishing returns apply? Throw in the towel, fuck it, piss off, syonara, adios, goodbye?
From the first beating at age four to the last forced act of sexual abuse, My life or whatever it has been, haunts me every single day. My father always told me that, “you will never amount to shit boy.” I try to push his words out of my thoughts. But, as I move through my own Hell, his words keep coming up.

*   *   *

Tony lives in the DC area and works hard every single day.

Please take a few moments to leave a comment or to use the share buttons below to share this post with your friends.