This Mask I Wear

I see the morning light coming through the window.
I roll over, not wanting to get up.
Not wanting to face another day, just like the last.
How do I go on? Why do I go on?
Everyone seems to be fine, seems to be moving forward. Completing tasks, talking with friends, living their lives.

But I’m not. I am alone, I have chosen it to be that way.

I don’t want to share stories, I don’t want to listen to their small talk.
I want to be whole. I want to feel alive, I want to care again.

I want to be me.

The me that could laugh, feel the sun on my face and enjoy the enchantment of life.
But I’m not, I don’t even know who that person is anymore.

How was I ever her? How did I ever live like that… or maybe I never did.
Maybe it was a mask that I unknowingly threw on for the world, preparing myself for now…my new reality.
But now there is no mask, now there is only me.
The uncertain smile I present to the world.
The world that doesn’t want to see my cracks, my fissures, my emotional imperfections.
Or the pain on my broken, tear stained face.

“Be a good girl and smile. You don’t look pretty when you’re sad”

Hid it away they tell me. Ignore it, try to be happy.
But what do they know about me? About walking in my shoes.
They only know what I have shown them, what I’ve allow them to see.

So again I will fake it.

I will smile and go through my day.
Hoping my new mask doesn’t slip
Hoping that maybe tomorrow is the day it all changes.
Hoping that I can somehow learn to be the woman I was before.
Before the darkness.
Before I lost me.

SA Smith is a wife, mother, author, columnist and CRPS advocate. She is the71-YGbhLL._UX250 bestselling Amazon author of Forever – her four part young adult paranormal romance series. She also writes the Byte of Life column at The Feminine Collective. Having been diagnose over 12 years ago with a very painful and rare disease called CRPS, which is also known as the “Suicide Disease.” SA spreads social awareness of CRPS, through her writing. SA currently lives in Florida with her husband and son.

SA can be found on her blog, Facebook, and Twitter.