Trigger warning – suicide 

I think we can all agree life isn’t worth living. The question is: are you too lazy to do anything about it? Most people are. Usually I am too. One day I wasn’t, so I sliced open my wrists and downed a bottle of Klonopin and waited to fall asleep and not wake up. As one does.

My two friends stopped by and were like, “Oh my god. We were going to take you to see ‘Spider-Man’ and get some pizza — but look at you! Your socks don’t even match! Also, you need to go to the hospital!”

I wasn’t entirely awake, but evidently I was just alert enough to be argumentative. “Or we could go see ‘Spider-Man’ now,” I said, “and then go to the hospital afterward if we need to. Because we certainly won’t be able to go to the hospital and then go see ‘Spider-Man.'”

This barely made sense even to me, but evidently somehow this made sense to them. So we taped up my wrists and went to the Multiplex to see “Spider-Man.”
At the end of the movie, they shook me awake and said, “We’re taking you to the hospital now.”

Sleepy as I was, I was still argumentative. “Or we could go get pizza,” I said. “We can always go to the hospital afterward. But we won’t be able to go to the hospital and then get pizza.” Or I said something to that effect, but probably with more slurred words.

I guess this struck them as a reasonable compromise, so we went to Ian’s and got some pizza. But when I spilled my soda all over my pizza, we all agreed it was time to go to the hospital.

To be continued. Possibly. 

10391894_10156614895195019_1139274331881931215_nKevin L. Schwartz is a musician and writer who lives in Madison, WI for some reason. His jokes have appeared on ‘The Big Bang Theory’ and ‘@midnight.’

 

 

 

 

Kevin can be also be found on Twitter.