GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS
Dear friend,
I apologize I haven’t written to you in a while… I am probably typing it to you right now because of some selfish reason which I don’t wish to enclose. The fact is I don’t remember what I wrote to you last time. Too much or too little has happened and seriously? at the moment I am just riled up… too much fucking adrenaline. I feel like if I don’t right to you right now I will not do it later either. It’s 8.30 am in the morning and I haven’t slept as yet and I was supposed to wake up at 10. So well that’s another dilemma.
And it turns out I am writing to you exactly after 1 Month… too much right? Well 2016 is here and I want to make this place about both good and bad things… I should tell you about the good thing too, after all they are part of my life and if you can handle the bad I am sure you can handle the good too!
So, well my days are probably categorized into GOOD DAYS and BAD DAYS. I can’t describe them any other way. Either I get a very good one or a very bad one, all black and white, seems like there’s no grey area.
Highlight of the month is that I am now having Anxiety-Panic attacks, had 5 so far, 4 really massive ones and 1 meh. :/ . I cried my eyes out day before yesterday all because of the fact that I don’t remember my mother’s face anymore. I googled and checked every possible keyword on every possible social platform where I would have found her image but oh well, no luck and you know what I feel that it was a sign, I shouldn’t go looking up for her, she was never much of a mother to me anyways. It’s just that I can’t help but ask “The Why Me?” question now and then. It’s been six years since I last saw her and I guess that’s a blessing, I drop down the depression spiral whenever I was in 100m radius of her, so, I guess it’s good. And it’s good too that I can’t remember her face.
I ended up cutting after crying my eyes out, from a simple reason that I can’t remember her face my mind went into overdrive about how pathetic I am that I can’t even kill myself to how everything is my fault of every bad thing that has happened in my life. I wish I wasn’t so naive, should have put an end to sexual abuse. I don’t even remember it all, just keep n wondering what exactly happened, I just need to know to fill those blank spaces, it’s better to know than to imagine the worse.
New Year came and went, Christmas came and went…. Did nothing, as usual. This 2016, really makes me or breaks me. Either I will see 2017 or not depends on everything that will happen now.. I am really hoping to see 2017 but I know for a fact if that whatever I am hoping didn’t happen, I will just kill myself. Because I am tired, very very tired of everything, of my brain, of my thoughts, of everything small and big thing that makes me hate myself. There was a time when I was so self loving. I miss that old me.
About cutting, I think its all about the blood to me… It’s calming. I know that’s fucked up but it makes me calm. I tried to delay it as much as I could but I was so fucked up in head that I had to do it.. I usually cut either my palm or back of hand, I was trying not to cut there because its visible and hard to band-aid it up and well I told my friend that I cut and I didn’t really wanted to face that situation. I googled any other safe place to cut but well no luck, so I ended up cutting my hand only. Like I was saying, it’s something related to blood that makes me calm. I don’t feel pain, I didn’t feel anything this time. I was just numb. I think it stopped bleeding after 2-3 hours, so, I guess it was a deep cut? I just don’t understand why I didn’t feel any pain. As usual, I went mute after cutting. It’s like there was a storm going in my head and I knew that If I talked I will just crumble. But, I know at the same time I just want to just share every single thought I was having with someone. (I feel asleep typing this) [Jan 9,2016]
[Jan 14, 2016] Hello there, I think it’s long overdue since I have last written to you and I should just do it right now. It’s 13:17 HRS… Again, I will say these 5 days have been eventful for me. On 11th as I already told you, I am part of a group of 5 people here at university and I don’t really like one of them so it was that “One’s” Birthday party… Obviously I have to decorate and all, because that’s what I do… So after decorating and all, it was like turning off a switch, I went into depression spiral. I hate birthday parties… I hate them I really hate them.. I told you about all this in last post, so I know you know how much miserable I get at these parties. So, that day was that… I almost ended up cutting, I was that fucked up. On 12th I woke up and I was depressed but eventually I was able to pull myself out of it. Yesterday was fine. I guess. I snapped at one of my friend and well got so mad at myself that I ended up almost cutting again.
I dunno why I am getting so fucked up these days. It’s like someone turn off a switch and Bam, Sad to Happy, Happy to Sad, it takes seconds, small small things send me into thinking frenzy. And well, I can’t afford a counsellor, too broke right now. lol. And the pretend part of my Brain is broken, I am unable to pretend anymore. Before I was able to do it so easily and its as hard as of right now. Its like I don’t want to pretend. I am tired of pretending. I think deep in my heart I know that people don’t stay with me no matter what I do. There’s not even one person who has been constant in my life except my dad, even my mother wasn’t constant. So, deep down I expect people to leave me and well isn’t it better that they leave before I get too used to them. Because remember how miserable I was when Sam left, and I would never want to go through that phase again. So. Now it’s all about why pretend to make people happy when they are going to leave eventually.
I am having a lot of nightmares these day… They are all just old memories which I don’t want to remember but still they are no less than nightmares to me. I keep on dreaming about Sam. It’s pathetic how much influence she has on me even after 6 years, I guess having only one bitch of a best friend does that to you.
I wish I wasn’t so fucked up. I can feel that this day going to be a rotten one too.
I am just scared I don’t kill myself one of these days because my mind gets so fucked up at times. I don’t want to die till I know I have done everything I have done to get out this situation.
Love always,
Alix
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