NUMBING MEMORIES
Dear friend,
Sorry I haven’t written to you in last 21 days… Perhaps I was too busy, too distracted or too happy to be sad… But it’s all superficial, isn’t it? You finally have a happy streak and deep down you are afraid that you will get bad again and eventually it does happen. Well today is the day, I got bad for once in these 21 days but I got over it, I am hoping that writing to you will help me get over it this time. I know I am a crappy friend, considering I only write to you when I am at that bad stage, seems like I have a lot of good friends to keep me occupied when I am happy but not many when I am sad. I am sorry, perhaps you can come to me when you are bad. Do you ever get this bad? I know everyone have lots of problem in their lives but mine just seem so big that I can’t see past them, I am selfish.
The first time in these 21 days I got bad was when my friend was throwing a birthday party for one of our mutual friend. You see, people get birthday parties all the time, it’s like a universal law. It’s your birthday and you celebrate it with you friends and family, you get a lot of gifts and bam you cut a cake and you are happy.
I remember once when I was a kid, it was my birthday and as usual where I live it was a norm that you invite all your friends and you celebrate and your parents invite their friends and they celebrate. My mother’s office was nearby, so in the evening I rode my bicycle to her office and I told her all preparations are complete and to come home soon, and she was like “preparations for what?”, imagine your mother forgetting your birthday. I know she told me a lot of times later in life that I was just a mistake she made but you just can’t get over your mother loathing you that easily, that’s the only childhood birthday memory I remember. When I was 16, in the morning of my birthday, my mother demanded that I should ask my dad for this much money as it’s my birthday and then give it to her, and that’s all, no birthday wishes no warm hugs no gifts and no cake, I think I spent that birthday sleeping in my room or reading some fiction, I don’t know, I don’t remember. I do remember my friend mother baking me a cake few days later and telling me that I should have just called my friend and spent the birthday with her, my friend (Suk) thought that I must be celebrating my birthday with my classmates so she didn’t made any plans with me. When I turned 18, that was the first birthday after my dad got remarried, I was all bitter about marriage because even though he asked me 1000 times if I was fine with him remarrying, deep down I wasn’t because I never thought he will do it. That birthday my father’s wife tried her best to make my birthday better she bought me a lot of presents and all, but I didn’t really wanted them, I remember I got into a huge fight with my dad because I didn’t wanted to spend my birthday with her, I just wanted it to be my dad and I, I spent that birthday whole night crying. All other birthdays went alone again or with people I didn’t want to be around, I don’t really remember being much happy or ecstatic on those days like I have seen other people being on their birthdays. This birthday, my friend came to meet me and well she was sick and I ended up taking care for her, but she gave me a present and you know what I think I must have said thanks to her a thousand times for it, because honestly I would have never imagined her doing it for me, People don’t really give me birthday presents, isn’t it a little pathetic to feel out of world when someone gives you a birthday present other than your dad. I remember my cousin telling me she got around 36 presents on her birthday, so I do feel a little insecure but I am glad I even got one.
So the reason why I went bad after the birthday party of my friend because I know no one has ever done it for me or will never do. So, I was feeling a little pathetic and worthless but eventually I got distracted and I was being back to my happy phase.
You know what… I didn’t tell you how I got over this depression phase of 7 weeks.. I told everything to Nam, you remember her? Yeah, so I told her everything, yes, everything! and you know her reaction to it? Nothing, Nada. I asked her later what she thinks and she was like “I am not even thinking about it”. So, that got me out of this depression phase. When a person who you are with 70% of the day and has seen you suffering through depression and finally when you opens up to them about what’s really going on and they don’t react, You feel whatever you were feeling was not important and you get over it. Just like that! I feel like whatever I felt for those 7 weeks was not important to someone I care that it doesn’t even affect them, so maybe I am over reacting and I got over it. On the first happy day after those 7 weeks of depression, I was so happy through out afternoon and evening that I got super anxious and had a massive panic attack on that night, I guess I can’t even be a normal happy.
So, beside that birthday party day sadness, I have been very busy and happy. I was just sitting with Nam and I was telling her that I am going to stay at university in winters sem break and she was like I should not because no one will be here. Or that at least I should go and visit my cousins around New Year. And then I got bad. New Year is usually a big deal for whole world, but I have always spent it alone. And I know this year I will also spend it alone. Somethings never change. I don’t want to got back to my home and I certainly don’t want to spend it with cousins who don’t even like me. All of my friends are making plans or have already made plans for New Year, isn’t it awesome that I am not really part of anyone’s plan. I don’t even have a home to go back to, I don’t want to go back to place where I am constantly reminded how much I have lost and how much my dad has drifted apart. We go days without talking to each other and there was a time just 3 years back he used to get all worried if I didn’t call him. Weird how time can change things. Weird how I keep on loosing everyone.
I contemplated suicide again tonight, I can just slit my wrists and wrap myself up in my blanket and go to one last sleep. Or I can just jump or drown or carbon monoxide or cyanide or I can easily get sleeping pills. Even though I was happy these past 21 days I did google how many pills of pain killers will take it to end my life but no definite answer, guess google is not that good. Because you know, I am not really important. People leave, everyone eventually leaves. I dunno. I just hope that I sleep it off this time, I don’t want to be depressed again, it’s very lonely and very ugly inside my head when I am depressed. I want to cut but I am always numb to pain and I am afraid that I will cut too much. I hope writing to you will help me get over it.
I miss you Sam, I hope you weren’t this heartless bitch that you are. You could have pulled me out of this depression, Sister. Because you were the only best friend I ever had.
Love always,
Alix
Alix can be found on their blog, Facebook, and Twitter.
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