Defeated

Dear friend,
I know I shouldn’t have come home, I am always at height of depression when at home. I don’t like that my dad remarried even when I was the one to give him the go ahead. I just never thought that he will go ahead and marry. I don’t go along with the second wife…. All she does and did for four years now is to point out my flaws to me and tell me how crappy a person I am by pointing the flaws out to my dad….

You know… what is the sad thing? People forget I exist until I remind them that yeah I am still alive… Nobody cares to find out if I am doing okay, no one will message me unless I message them myself. Nobody cares enough to know about my day. Pathetic, right? And the most pathetic thing is me whining about it. *sigh*

I feel defeated… defeated is the right word for it… Defeated, like you know you have lost and nothing you will do will make it right. In my case I know I will never be happy… I will never find the comfort of significant other or even a true friend.

I have a lot of work to do but I can’t find it in my heart to do it.
Its been around 10 days since I cut and I know for a fact that I am going to do it again as soon as I go back to University. Just have to wait for 7 days. It is something that I have to do, I can’t explain it and you might not understand why I am doing this and it’s okay, I don’t expect you to understand. One can’t understand until they have done it themselves.

I don’t have anything more to share with you today, I fell sadly numb and will probably cry myself to sleep. I just want it all to be over, this life to be over now. Or to find a way to make it all stop, to turn these feelings off.
I don’t even feel like reading “its kind of a funny story” anymore, now that I know the author committed suicide. Its not inspiring anymore.
Yes, defeated is the right word.

Love always,
Alix

 

Alix can be found on her blog, Facebook and Twitter.