We grew up with self-esteem We grew up with this notion that to be happy, we needed to have good self-esteem. We were taught to be self-confident, assured, secure in ourselves. We were told to fake it till you make it, to project a sense of self-esteem even when we didn’t like ourselves. This thinking [...]
HypersexualityMaySometimesBeAtrocious By the time you wonder if you’re manic, you already are. I check off symptoms on the Goldberg Mania Questionnaire, hoping I don’t meet the highest score, florid mania. Ivan Goldberg was pretty clever. Loss of interest in eating and sleeping? Definitely. Hypersexuality? Nope. But before the plane takes off on my way home [...]
I Have 30 Tabs Open In My Browser and My Brain I’m hypomanic/manic. There are 30 tabs open in my browser. It’s difficult to close any of them, even after bookmarking, because how will I remember what I was looking for? Noting the websites seems like a good way to track the manic stream before [...]
Shame is a stronger, more-lasting emotion than love or grief. It’s can stain one’s soul in shades that never lighten or fade with time. Sex is so often the earliest lesson plan in shame. There are expectations and attitudes which are acceptable within contexts we learn through trial and error, standards to cleave to demonstrate [...]
Depression does not discriminate. Depression doesn’t care who you are or what you achieve or how funny or cute or smart or kind you are. Depression can take anyone down. And unless you’ve been in the empty abyss of depression, I can promise you that you will not fully understand what a nasty liar depression [...]
Pondering my own existence. Hear them pondering it too.... Everyone has different views of who and what we are, or should be. An incomplete part of the whole, or one whole part complete itself? Who do they want to stay, who needs to go? Am I real? There's a constant back and forth with what's [...]
So, after I nearly took my own life back in 2011, it was only that point in my mental history that I really focused on being real with myself. I went through a lengthy outpatient program. I found a (nother) therapist. She was one of many. There have been so many therapists that have floated through [...]
I’m drowning. I’m drowning and I’m terrified. The water is deep, dark, and cold. I’m so close to my house, but there’s nobody around to help me. I reach out, my white hand breaking the dark water, grasping for someone, anyone. But there’s no one. My hand falls, rippling the water as it goes back [...]
Mental Illness and its Pain Pain is universal, varied, and subjective. An evolutionary deterrent and motivator, in some ways essential, in some ways utterly pointless. It can provide common ground, or be the most isolating of experiences. Everyone falls somewhere within its range. My pain came from depression. Not everyone experiences depression in this way; [...]
Saying Goodbye to My Blog, "Hello Bipolar Linla" The last thing I posted on my blog was on December 2nd, 2017. That post was titled, “It’s Been A While…” and in that post I wrote the following: “I am scared of the future because I have no clue what is going to come next. I [...]
