The cocky fireman got way too close to my face and rudely asked: “what, are you on drugs?!” My response? “YEAH ASSHOLE I HAVE A PANIC DISORDER!”
I didn’t know I was pregnant. Let me make that very clear. I had no idea I was pregnant. I thought I was simply going insane and losing control of everything I had ever had control over in my life. I suddenly was panicking to the point of puking, not morning sickness, panic to puking. I cared what every single person thought and I knew they all thought the worst things about me because I was a big failure, I just knew it. I was starting to be terrified to leave my house. Even to get the mail or take out the garbage seemed like this humongous journey to Mount Doom that I was never prepared enough for.
I had suffered from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder my entire life and now that it was being diagnosed I just thought oh great it is just getting worse and this is my life now. I will never be able to leave the house alone again. I will always need my mom or my husband with me from here on out and I will always be scared and feel pathetic and weak.
I had had a good job. I was the head of the beverage department meaning I took care of the business with all the wine and beer coming into my store. I am interested in wine, beer, coffee, tea and how they can pair with different foods and have different life stories and the history is fascinating to me. So I loved my job. I learned so much about wine. I tasted a lot of wine. It was my job. I learned to properly taste and appreciate wine. I started using wine and beer to self-medicate through my panic. I learned that mixing a little Xanax with my wine or beer let me live how I was living before and I felt great and I did it far too often.
So we went out to see our friends play at the Dublin pub in Portland and I got trashed and it was a great time until we got pulled over after leaving. My husband had had not even two beers but because he had just upped his Effexor he was affected quite a bit.
When they made the arrest for a DUII I lost my shit! I completely melted down. I sank to the ground screaming not knowing what to do. Everything in my world had just fell completely apart. My safety was being put in handcuffs and taken away from me. Everything I knew as secure was being ripped away and I was dying! I couldn’t breathe or think. I couldn’t even physically control my own body, I became a puddle of goo on the sidewalk. A puddle of howling goo. Firemen came, paramedics came, this was a crisis situation. I literally had no control anymore and the cops knew it. That’s when the young too good looking for his own good cocky asshole fireman pushed my buttons the wrong way and he was so lucky I had no control over my body or he would have been punched in the face. I did have control over my words though and he was quickly taken far away from me and hopefully scolded for being such an insensitive prick.
The paramedics arrived next. The woman paramedic was also not my favorite and I told her so. She said I didn’t have to like her but I did have to deal with her. In the end she actually handled herself really well and even though I didn’t then I appreciate it now.
So here I am freaking out my safety held captive in the back of a police car and people I don’t want are in my face. The cops knew what to do. They let my husband go. They let him come to me and hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok. They were awesome cops. They knew he wasn’t a threat and they knew I needed him. My husband calmed me and explained he had to go to the station but he was being allowed to come back to take care of me. Even though technically he was being arrested he was still being released to take care of me. The cops gave us this kindness and I will forever be so grateful.
They took him away. Calling backup to come and babysit me. The two younger cops chillin’ with me while my husband got his breathalyzer done and his fingers printed. They made me laugh. They gave me my Xanax. They tried to take me in as time went by however and that was not ok. They had better things to do than babysit a hysterical drunk girl and we all knew it. I needed them but they needed to go do better more important things. They wanted to take me to the station. They said everyone that rides in the police car has to wear handcuffs, it is the law… WAIT, WHAT?!?! I hadn’t technically done anything illegal. Why would I need to wear handcuffs? My panic started to rise again. I was sobering up and the Xanax although effective wasn’t enough to ease the terror of being handcuffed and put in the back of a police car. These cops were cool but not that cool.
Thank god I was able to stall long enough for my husband to come back to me. The cops that took him in brought him back. Moved our car off of the street for us into the parking lot of the gas station where we got pulled over so we wouldn’t get additional tickets, making sure it was ok with the owner of the gas station. They said go get food and get a taxi home. That was it. They let us go about our night. We ended up at Shari’s because there was one right there and we did indeed take a taxi home. The next day my friend brought me back to pick up our car. We were very lucky and those cops were cool as hell. They didn’t have to do any of the stuff they did to help us out but they did and I appreciate them for it.
I’m a mom and I love it! I like inviting people in to my world and making them feel as comfortable as possible. I love all things cheese, jokes included. I’ve had a pretty rough life but therapy and a good attitude have really helped me make the best of things. So welcome to my world, make yourself at home!
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