“I Wanted To Kill Myself”
My brain injury changed me and took away my hope, my smile, my laughter, and the life I knew
The heaviness of that burden made me want to GO
The life I knew had changed so much that a darkness came over me that I could not shake
All I knew at those moments were
I can’t live like this any more
This simple truth is hard for me to say aloud, but yes, it was the truth of the matter
I Wanted To Kill Myself
Yes, that is my truth
I Wanted To Commit Suicide
I wanted to jump out my window to end my life
As I looked out my second floor window I knew that was not right
My condo was the right height
Yes, I wanted to take my own life
Yes, I had the desire to no longer fight
Yes, I had the plan to commit suicide
But I needed another plan
So, I created another plan to go higher and once I figured out how to reach the highest level
I would jump
The crazy part of having a brain injury is I could not connect the dots
Such as it would have been simple to take the elevator to the top floor
So simple for me not to live anymore
But, my brain injury, which caused my depression, also allowed me to BE
If I had the processing skills at that moment of suicidal ideation – I would have ended my life
Instead, over time life began to get better and my depression decreased
And my smiles increased
And my hope for life was reignited
I smile and thank God that at my lowest point my brain didn’t function and that it had a malfunction
And that is the reason I can write this poem and say I wanted to kill myself
But instead I found hope in my darkness and smiles in my despair
I no longer want to kill myself
I want to LIVE!!!!!!!!!!
Ruby L. Taylor, M.S.W.
Ruby is now focusing on creating apps that will help you smile and give you hope every day, using your favorite photos… Signup Now to learn when the Smope App will launch http://smope.net
If you have thoughts of suicide reach out for help – your life MATTERS!
Call 24/7 1-800-273-8255
To learn about brain injuries please visit
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Ruby Taylor is a traumatic injury survivor, depression warrior, ex-school social worker, app creator, NY Giants Fan, world greatest aunt, and the founder of Smope. Ruby is a graduate of Howard University and Virginia Union University. It is her hope to make the world a better place 1 smile at a time.
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