This summer has been difficult for me…
You’re probably giving me a weird look, aren’t you? Well, guess what – I don’t care.
It’s the truth. There hasn’t really been a schedule to my days. I didn’t go anywhere unless I had a medical appointment. I was at home, with my brother, all day long.
Sure, being home all day with no schedule probably sounds great to most people. But when you’re essentially stuck at home, being there all the time loses its appeal.
The only contact I had with friends was via Facebook or texting. They would all go off on trips, I’d see it on Facebook and wish that I was somewhere else.
All of this isolation left me feeling somewhat depressed. I’d try to do things that I enjoy, and things to kind of escape reality, during the day to kind of distract myself from what I was feeling. I don’t usually work. No matter how hard I tried to act like everything was fine, I couldn’t deny how low I felt. It wouldn’t be bad when I woke up, but it would slowly get worse as the day went on, leaving me feeling horrible when I went to bed.
Of course, it was even more difficult when my daughter’s first birthday came around. It’s not something that I can talk about at home because of certain peoples’ views about the whole adoption situation. So I was dealing with it silently and when I could isolate myself in my room.
Even though it’s been a year since she was born, and she’s been with her adoptive parents for a year, that doesn’t mean that it’s not an emotional thing. Yes, it’s gotten easier with time, but I still have days where I’m overcome with this feeling like part of me is missing. I don’t know if that will ever go away. If it doesn’t, it just means that my love for my daughter hasn’t faded.
Her birth father and I had lunch with our daughter and her adoptive parents about two and a half weeks after her birthday. It was so much fun, but it was also bittersweet. For several years to come it probably will be. But her adoptive parents are committed to raising her knowing who we are, and that she was adopted because we love her. And that makes it a little easier to walk away from those visits feeling not so sad.
Between her birthday and seeing her, my legal issues came to a close. I went back to court and because everything had been completed, the charges were dismissed. That is such a relief for me for it to all be over before going back to school.
As summer comes to a close, things are a lot more hectic and busy than they have been. I leave for the beach Saturday 8/8. I’m there for a week. On the way back, I have to stop at a friend’s house for her bridal shower, which I’m co-hosting with her mom. After that, there’s one more week and then classes start 8/24.
I’m crossing fingers and hoping that being back in classes and having things to do by a certain date will help. It’ll also be good that I’ll have people to talk to besides my family and stuffed animals haha.
So here’s to hoping that the fall goes better than this summer has.
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Katy is a college student studying American Sign Language Interpreting. She’s always got a book in her bag, like a security blanket of sorts. She’s addicted to coffee and is always dreaming of more tattoos she wants to get – there’s currently one in the works. She’s the middle sibling of three. Blogging and journaling have becoming forms of self-therapy for her over the years. She would love to write her own book someday, but she’s not quite sure what to write about. She is still learning to be brave when it comes to talking about the story of her daughter’s adoption.
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