Life has never been an easy one for me. Looking back, yes, I’ve been dealt an odd card. I have life experiences I would wish on no one and yet, I’m still here…still kicking. A mother, a girlfriend, a survivor.
While I had no choice in the experiences I faced as a child, it set me on a path of surrounding myself with individuals who did not value me, who belittled me, who saw me as worthless and they were sure of making me know it.
I struggle every day with my anxiety and while few, if anyone, sees it-my PTSD is always there. I struggle to understand why life has been this way and I question if justice will ever truly come. While you might see the smile outside, the thoughts in my head tell a different story. I’m afraid to trust, afraid I might scare away those I love with my past, just plain out afraid. Growing up NOT communicating my feelings, my fears, I now do the same. The anxiety creeps in telling me to keep my mouth shut, you’ll just make things worse. Will I ever NOT be afraid to just be me?
I’ve faced trauma yes but, I’m slowly trying to learn, I AM NOT THE TRAUMA. Yes, it has shaped me, some of those things, I need to change so I can be a healthy person for my children, the person I love, and those around me.
As I step out of what was an unhealthy marriage, I’m learning new roles. Learning to trust, learning to FEEL. For the first time in my life, I have found the person that respects me, takes pride in what I do, and has shown me how things should be. While I continue to grow, that anxiety will always be there but, I’m pushing forward. The worry I create in my mind is just that, created. When we fight anxiety, when our body has truly lived in fight or flight mode, we will always create those thoughts of “This is too good to be true.” “I’m going to screw up.” BUT you are NOT.
It’s time to accept that GOOD THINGS can happen to you. Change your future. For your children, for yourself, for everyone around you.
Will the fear ever leave me? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean I have to stop living. If I can stop hiding, you can find a way too. We all can.
Jenna Goodwin is a mother of four living in Central Iowa. The owner of MommyJenna.com, Jenna enjoys working in social media and sharing her experiences as a mom of twins and living with Fibromyalgia and chronic illness. You can find Jenna writing about the must-haves for the entire family as well as her personal life experiences. Jenna can be found on Twitter @MommyJenna. For inquiries, Jenna@MommyJenna.com.