I Am Your Self Hate
I do not want to get better, and I hate these therapy groups you go to. I will not let you feel anything but the suffering I believe you deserve.
I will drive everyone who is close to you away with my wicked ways. I don’t want to have fun. I want to be isolated and have no friends. I want to be alone so that when I kill us, it doesn’t matter. If I let you have people in your life, you’ll have hope. Hope takes away everything I am…
The rape was the best thing that could have happened to me; and one of the worst things to happen to you. I twisted it into your brain so deep that you will never want intimacy again. I’ve disassociated the physical and emotional, and I will fight like hell every single time you try to let someone see us. Really see us. Because of what happened, I could keep you down. I could make sure you were not happy. I could make you feel like you deserved it, and the fact that you gave me that power thrills me.
Since I have made you hate intimacy, I can make us walk away. I walk into and out of people’s lives, making them believe we loved them, so easily. When I hurt someone from manipulating them, I feel accomplished. Your guilt about this weighs on you so heavily, and feeds into me.
I make you starve and then binge eat. And I’ll love every moment of it. I love the pain of not eating for days, the empty pain in this body. And then the pain of eating mountains of food at a time. But the best part is how much shame it gives you. When you stare in the mirror and cry, I smile. Making you believe that this body we live in is disgusting brings me joy. There is nothing I love more than when you go shopping. I know what you’ll see in the mirrors and I know you’ll cry and give into me. I know you’ll let me bleed.
When you bleed and burn, I smile. I do my job so well. The release of the bad blood exhilarates me. I thrive on this pain. It excites me and gives me a high I’ve never felt before. It puts me in control and it makes everything okay. No one will ever hurt us as much as I will. You want it to, but for very different reasons. Hurting our outside to try to kill me will never work but you are so convinced it will. The only way to kill me is to control me, and your groups terrify me for that reason.
I’ve made you believe that I am you for so long that you couldn’t tell the difference. You want a family and children, I do not. You want to have fun with friends and want people to care about you, I do not. You want to finish school and have a job you love, I do not. You want to feel love, and I do not. But now that you know who I am, and that you are not me, you can be free.
Erin Mueller is a mom of two who has been living with mental illness since she was young. She has been diagnosed as Bipolar type 1 with psychosis and Borderline Personality Disorder. She is trying to live life to the fullest, one day at a time.