Let’s talk about some heavy stuff today. I really need to get it out if I don’t.. I feel like I will loose myself in this depression. Its been 24 days now since I have been this way. I have been in and out of this depression funk for years now, when I am distracted I don’t feel it but sometimes its hard to get the sadness out of my mind.
I wonder what caused it? Was it my mother never loving me, I know I sounds like a crybaby but honestly when I compare myself to my friends, I really had a crappy childhood. I have been writing about her a lot lately, I wonder if I ever will be able to forgive her, someone once said to me, if I want to move on I will have to forgive her but that really seems like a big deal to me. Am I really a mistake? that’s what she said, I was a kid back then, adults are supposed to be right… right?
Can I be honest? I have never been an outgoing person, I never really wanted to make any boyfriends because the idea of marriage is bullshit in my eyes. When your parents are divorced you really don’t believe in marriages. So, the childhood case of sexual abuse never really impacted my life till 23rd or 22nd November 2014, the guy I was interested in tried to kiss me and I froze the hell out, at that moment all I could think about was “well this kiss is also forced”. I think he should have asked for permission as according to me we were never really more than friends. Well then that relationship went to hell. And to be honest even then I was fine with it, “ya, ok, it hapened, so what…. ” It all impacted me when I was in between semesters of my masters and there was 3 months holiday and I was left alone with my thoughts, I still don’t know what triggered it but I haven’t really been able to forget about it, even though it went on for years but I only remember just flashes and I am grateful for that, though I would have preferred to not remember it at all and that was the feat till my mother blamed me for it all happening. I had the whole thing suppressed, isn’t it pathetic that I am terming abuse as thing?
I don’t think I will ever be able to be in a relationship, the idea of getting physical scared the living daylights out of me. I am that kind of freak 🙁
Another person I will never be able to forgive is Sam, my so called non-blood sister, who used me up for my money and resources for 3-4 years and made me believe that I was her best friend when in fact I was just a Bank. I never really had any friends so in high school the idea of best friend was something on a new level, I didn’t feel lost and It distracted me enough from the bullies… well whatever it was, farce of friendship, it made high school bearable so it was okay even though it left me sceptical when it comes to friendship.. for life .
I started cutting when I was 14-15 and then stopped for 5 years and then did it again this august for one time again, and well in October twice. The most freaked out thing was that, I sat on floor for 2 hours trying to stop the bleeding and all I could think about was what if I got caught I will be thrown out of University Room, there was no care about whether it will stop bleeding or not. It was calm sort of panic.
So, I wonder what of above is making me fall in this depression. I know it got triggered when I was watching “The fault in our stars”, You know, the feeling of loneliness when you know that you don’t even good friends who care about you, let alone to find the love of your life when you can’t even get physical (as honestly every relationship demands that), is really horrifying.
Or is it the feeling that even on birthdays no one really cares about me, Hell, my mother forgot my birthday once… and I was kid back then. You know, I think almost everyone look forward to their birthdays.. I do too, thinking that this time it will be different but all I get is disappointments even from those for whom I try to go out and make them feel special on their birthdays. I guess one guaranteed happy day of year is also a sad day for me.
I know, I am rambling but I really don’t know what’s keeping me drowned in this depression.
I wish I had friends who would go out of their way to make me feel loved, included me in fun stuff they do… I wish I had a place where I can escape when I am lost, I don’t think I have a place to call home, I don’t think I ever had one to start with… But you know some wishes.. some dreams are just pipe dreams.
I hope someone will pull me out of this depression soon, it’s really empty and lonely and to be honest this normal-happy-facade is tiring as hell.
Alix, 22 F, Asian.
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