My mother. My beautiful, sweet mother took her last breath on July 31, 2013. My mother, who had loved me more than anything in this world, absolutely unconditionally. She managed to love me when I wasn’t always loveable-thru my surly and difficult teenage years. Thru my highs and lows. She was there for me throughout it all. Loving me.
My name is Alena. I have bipolar disorder, anxiety, PTSD and am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
After my mother passed I lost my will to live even though I have two beautiful daughters and two amazing grandchildren. I just wanted the pain to stop, I wanted the profound loss to stop.
So I had a plan-I was going to do it. I was going to die and join my beloved mother. I felt such a sense of peace, of relief. Tho as the day approached I felt less and less motivated to take that final awful step. I heard my mom’s voice telling me to FIGHT! I heard my mother telling me that I am no quitter.
Although I was suffering from deep and profound depression, in a moment of courage I reached out to my psychiatrist who I’ve had a long-term and good relationship with. The doctor said that a med change was definitely in order. I held on and slowly over time I came out of the darkness. I wanted to live more and die less.
My therapist, Linda who I’ve been with for years was a lifesaver, literally. She was there thru every dark thought and manic moment. With her support and guidance I have blossomed. I have come so far and accomplished so much. With Linda’s help I am not only living, I am thriving.
Things aren’t perfect and I struggle daily. With dogged determination, I now volunteer a few days a week at the hospital working with the elderly. It makes me feel worthy and I get back way more than I give.
I hear my mom’s voice, with great pride she says, “You, my daughter ARE a survivor…
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My name is Alena and I am from the frozen tundra of Maine where I reside with my two fur babies. I have two beautiful daughters who sadly weren’t always shielded from my mental illness. My profound apologies to them. My grandchildren give me life and fill my heart with love.
I AM a mental health warrior 🙂