The voice, the confusion, the hurt.
There’s days you get ready for the week ahead and you spring up out of bed and just cannot wait to get on with your day. Then there’s days where someone is telling you how shit your life really is. There’s someone telling you that your fucked, you made a bad choice, everything is going horrible and you struggle from the off, you cry and you look at yourself and wonder.
You have people telling you that you’re a legend or that you’ll be ok, you do so much, we are here for you, yes that’s grand I appreciate every single thing you do for me, but can you fight these demons for me by any chance? I only keep myself occupied by doing things to see can I get this voice in my head off for a few hours but it keeps coming back to affect every bit of my life.
Not many people understand my decision or believe me for that matter. Things get inside your head, its negative, it’s hard, but it’s equally as hard to get rid of, I just need to learn how to manage it.
Here’s how to explain it in my way, Imagine winning the 100m sprint in the Olympics and having the best time of your life, you’re a beast an utter beast and then the next day this figure comes along and kills you inside saying you are lying, you cheated and leaves you crying for days because your achievement is taken away. You try to progress but you keep taking hits.
Thinking I can get rid of the past by changing my appearance thinking this might work but it doesn’t, it’s not who I am, and it doesn’t help things.
That’s what it’s like for me, now, one day I’m on top of the world and the next I’m being told by this voice and you are terrible. It’s confusing as hell it’s effecting my life, left right and centre and only for the people who believe in me and try to get inside my head and overlap my thoughts I’m still here battling on.
Trying to fill that gap in my life, having nobody personal to turn too when alone because I’m like this, sometimes is hard, telling your friends about your personal life is a tough one but this is where I am at, I don’t like bothering people, I don’t but if people weren’t there I don’t know where I would be.
Imagine trying to explain to a girl about all this? You can’t even imagine how tough it is to be honest with someone I like. Nine times out of ten it is driving them away and that’s proving more and more difficult for me to be honest and open. Yes my life is full of bloody problems, but it’s for the right reasons There’s a stigma still behind people with mental health, its seen as a burden or a problem, it’s always going to be there, it’s how you manage it that makes you how can I say this “normal”.
Imagine being afraid to do the sport you love? Imagine not wanting to turn up at the local athletics track or gym because you feel you are being watched. This is what it is like sometimes.
This voice, this manner in which my life is lived is how I have lived most my life, it’s not the person I am by no means, some saw it others haven’t. I’m lucky I have good friends. It’s how I always saw life. I understand people running off from my life, it’s understandable, why would you want some fool looking worried about who’s going to be where or what’s going on? I’m not relaxed most of the time, I get into ruts of being in my bedroom doing nothing at all because of negative thoughts.
Imagine waking up in the middle of the night because you think something or someone is hitting you or because someone is inside your head, every morning trying to get rid of the voice, imagine having flash backs to the negative things in your past because of this. It’s horrible. I put pillows over my head singing trying to make it stop, banging my head against a wall, anything to make this noise stop, I’ll admit it’s bloody dreadful. I sometimes feel like I’m being watched, to be honest I think I am, and this is how I feel all my life, trying to remove myself from the circle of pain but I still feel this way.
At the start it had impacted so much, it was driving negative thoughts into my head and made me a completely different person, I put on weight, I was unmotivated as a result, I had no interest in anything, which saw my decline in athletics and my lifestyle in general. I kept trying to get myself back but I kept having those days and I turned too staying in bed, away from people. Ill keep trying until I see myself training properly even with setbacks, I think I know how to deal with them now, hopefully I’ll be that athlete again someday and ill wake up thinking I’m ready.
Going out on the street where you know people pacing around the place trying to avoid any contact with certain people you know, then other days you stroll around and not a care. It’s unimaginable what is next. Going into a shop, seeing someone you know that heard about your problems and you walk out of the shop before they notice you, you don’t want to be sussed out because let’s face it, some people are so nosey. Being honest, It’s my main goal to get away from it all eventually.
Sometimes people try and understand or make judgements of they know what’s going on with me, but I guess this is the best way I can describe it, nobody knows, only me. In writing, for me, it is much more understanding, speaking about how it is to be me is tough, I’ll speak about anything bar that, talking is tough, but sometimes my emotions pour out as some of my close friends and others have seen.
I must be thankful for anybody involved or associated with the sport of athletics. I’ll be bluntly honest here, without you I’m a goner.
I try different things like writing, driving or training to control myself. Nine times out of ten this works for me, but not always.
I look at myself and keep worrying about sport and other important things in my life, where I am going to live next, work, my car, I ended up on my own, it is scary, how well I used to be in comparing to how I am now, heavier, more negative, less relaxed, I’m battling on because without it, I know its failure, I won’t always be like this if I just keep trying and keep telling myself, I will, instead of, I can.
Hello? are you there? I hope not.
Irish Athlete and Care Assistant